Week 52: "It's the principle."

Last time when Jesus was talking about reconciliation, it was part of His famous Sermon on the Mount. For today's entry onto our list, it is a different time and He is in a different place. He was probably at Peter's house in Capernaum. And this instruction is part of a larger discourse about humility and people's place in the Kingdom of Heaven and going after the lost sheep and getting along with everyone. And immediately AFTER this instruction is the part about forgiving your brother seven times seventy. And there's a good chance that as Jesus' time on Earth and His in person ministry was winding down, but His followers and believers were building up, that Jesus, knowing the human heart, and probably already witnessing little incidents here and there, decided that it was important to give some practical advice to keep this growing group of believers and followers playing nice with one another. So the passage that we're looking at today is in Matthew chapter 18 verses 15-17. Some people refer to this set of instructions as "The Matthew Principle."

THE MATTHEW PRINCIPLE

Which is funny. It's found in Matthew, but it's Jesus' ideas. His teachings. You'd think they'd call it "The Jesus Principle." Maybe there was some conflict in and around that naming convention. We don't know. But regardless of what we call it, let's look at this advice for resolving conflict.

If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won't accept the church's decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.Matthew 18:15-17

And so #42 on our list of Fifty Things is

#42 - GO TO THOSE WHO OFFENDED YOU

Now if you think back to when we were talking about reconciliation… if we remember that somebody has something against US - what were we supposed to do? Leave our gift at the altar and

GO TO THEM

We are supposed to be the ones, as Christ followers, to take that initiative to bring peace and try and make things right. But here we are when the shoe is on the other foot. And Jesus tells us to…

GO TO THEM

And you may be thinking… hold on, hold on, hold on. Why don't I just get to camp out this time while the other person leaves their gift at the altar and then comes to ME and approaches ME and while I'm sitting on the couch eating bon bons while I'm waiting for them to make it up to ME and tell me how right I am?!

Because like we already said -

AS CHRIST FOLLOWERS WE TAKE THE INITIATIVE TO BRING PEACE AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT

You know that whole

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of GodMatthew 5:9

thing? Yeah, it's not just clever marketing. It's what we're supposed to be.

PEACEMAKERS

And peacemakers take steps to bridge divides, resolve conflict and bring harmony no matter what side of the conflict they're on. Whether they are the offending party or they are the ones who have been offended. Because working for peace actively reflects the character of Jesus Christ. Who loved and greeted even enemies. Who taught us to seek common ground and offer forgiveness. BUT who also stood up against unfair treatment and hypocrisy and violence and exploitation and did so while displaying humility and wisdom and love for the good of all God's people.

And this kind of three step process we read in Matthew 18 gives us a framework for how to do that in an attempt to be peacemakers.

So if we hurt somebody and we know it… we go.

And if somebody hurt us… we go too.

Why? Well - yeah, because Jesus told us to. But beyond that, why? Because it's possible that the person who hurt you doesn't even realize there is a problem with you. That's one reason. And even if they do…

Jesus knows it's not healthy for us to just sit and wait and seethe over this person who may or may not know they have a problem with you but they haven't made it up to you uet. They haven't said anything. They haven't approached you. Can you believe that person!?! The nerve! They're just gonna ignore this situations and expect me to swallow this kind of disrespect?! And then every time you see them, you're glaring at them, and you're just adding more fuel to the fires of anger that you have stoked in your heart - and they can't win. A small offense has built up in your mind. You have started assigning motives to the other person whether they are correct or not, but you have convinced yourself that you're correct and they are evil incarnate. And it gets to where every little thing they do becomes more evidence for the kind of hateful, hurtful person they are - the kind who wouldn't even apologize to you. And before you know it when you see them, you're thinking things like, - look at the way they breathe. So prideful. I've never seen somebody suck air through their nostrils in such an arrogant manner.

When we go - we are working toward conflict resolution and we are actively trying to stamp out conflict escalation that can automatically happen as time ticks by without resolution or movement toward resolution.

Don't wait around building up an entire case against somebody in your imagination before giving them the chance to explain.

And I just want to say this - and if you've been following this series for a decent amount of time, it's something that comes up over and over again - when Jesus asks us to do something - it seems to always benefit us in some way shape or form. It's good for our mental health, our physical health, our spiritual health. And this is too. When we go to those who offended us

GO TO THOSE WHO OFFENDED YOU

Doctors who study this kind of thing will tell you that getting this stuff out of the way and working toward resolution reduces cardiovascular strain and lowers your resting heart rate. Sitting with unresolved conflict and stewing about it weakens our immune systems. Going to those who offended us to make peace reduces stress and helps our immune systems function more effectively. Releasing anger leads to less chronic pain and physical tension. And when we reduce anxiety and hostility and bitterness, it lowers our frustration and can result in fewer symptoms of depression. Rumination while we have unresolved conflict CAUSES stress. Certainly from an attempt at conflict resolution releases that stress and gives us greater peace of mind, self-esteem ANNNNNNND emotional freedom. I didn't pull that stuff out of thin air. Those are the findings of the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins that I just paraphrased.

Jesus is looking out for us. Going to those who offended us, while admittedly, it might freak us out in the short term. It might not seem like the easiest option, and it might cause us a little nervousness or anxiety in the short term - in the long term, it saves us so much more stress and pain than if we had just sat around waiting for the other party to come to us.

Alright. So let's break this down bit by bit -

If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.Matthew 5:18

SO…. I think the first thing to note here is that Jesus says "if another believer sins against YOU…" - Now fair warning, the earliest Greek manuscripts do not contain that phrase - "against you." It started getting added in later texts that we have. I always want to be honest with you - but here's why scholars believe it was added - in the broader context of the passage that proceeds it, and then the parable that follows it and Jesus' answer to Peter about forgiving a brother that sinned AGAINST HIM, it's appears clear that the context of this instructional passage is about going to another believer who has sinned AGAINST YOU. That's why the scribes added that designation - that's how the passage was understood.

Okay - so history of the passage aside - AGAINST YOU… MEANS… AGAINST YOU. They have done something to hurt YOU. Matthew 18:15 is not an invitation for you to become the sin police. Nobody appointed you Witchfinder General. This is not a license for legalistic behavior to point out other people's sins. Matthew 18:15-17 is for conflict resolution. It is to help us see things and, most of all, other peoplethrough the eyes of Jesus. And when we do this the right way, we minimize damage, model humility and maximize redemption and reparation. If you just this as an excuse to go pointing out what everybody else is doing wrong in their life that is not affecting you at all - then you have completely misunderstood this passage.

THE MATTHEW PRINCIPLE IS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE SINNED AGAINST YOU

Now - a caveat. You can take things to far the other way here. Por ejemplo - if somebody kicks your dog… they have sinned against YOU. Just because they did not kick you directly doesn't mean they didn't sin against you. If they hurt your family or friends… they have sinned against YOU. I hope you care about your family and friends enough to approach someone who has hurt them. You are well within your rights. What about if someone kicks your neighbor's dog? Do you love your neighbor? If they hurt someone you love… What if somebody is doing something that you consider morally questionable but they're not hurting anybody else? If it doesn't directly involve you, then it's probably not your place to point out that offense. It's probably not gonna go well anyways. Now look - every general instruction or piece of advice is going to die somewhere. There are going to be exceptions. There are going to be difficult situations to parse out. This is not about two friends having real conversations about what's going on in their lives and looking out for each other. This is not about two spouses that are having real talk about how one's behavior affects the whole of the family. It could apply. It might not. But point being -

YOU ARE NOT THE SIN POLICE

Worry about your own sin. We'll talk more about that when we get to another one of the Fifty Things on the list that we have left.

Also - something to point out -

"If another BELIEVER sins against you…"

Now folks, you can try and apply the Matthew principle in your everyday world. And I'm gonna tell you that if you go about it the right way, you may even have some success and make your life better. But Jesus said "believer" in this passage. This signifies that there is already a common bond or at least there should be in the shared belief in Jesus Christ and HOPEFULLY the shared dedication to following His teachings. But if the other person that you are going to that has offended you is not a believer - your mileage may vary. And that's not a knock on unbelievers. Not at all. But sometimes we can do this thing - and this kind of goes hand in hand with being the sin police or the morality police - sometimes we expect people who are not Christ followers to live or act like Christ followers. And that's unrealistic. That's quite an assumption on our part. And if we try to force that or hold someone to a standard to which they have not agreed to hold themselves to, the Matthew principle might not go as successfully as we might want it to. Now if someone has done something that requires justice or intervention or reporting - something major or dangerous, or they're a danger to themselves - this is a different situation. The Matthew principle is not meant to circumvent justice, delay justice, impede necessary assistance… we've got to keep thinking about the Matthew principle in the context and for the situations that it was originally outlined for - when there is a conflict between believers and someone has sinned against us.

Now - the next thing to note when we go to those who offended us

GO TO THOSE WHO OFFENDED YOU

Is the need to go privately.

If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense.Matthew 18:15

Before we tell someone else or get others involved or make this a bigger thing that involves a lot of people who were not involved… we go privately to those who offended us.

And the very idea that we're going privately, implies that we going humbly. We are approaching the situation with humility and discretion in an effort not only to minimize damage and fallout, but also to protect their dignity. We're not announcing their indiscretions to the world. We're not going for character assassination here. We're going for understanding and reconciliation and resolution. We're trying to preserve relationships.

WE START PRIVATELY BECAUSE DIGNITY MATTERS

And when we say 'point out the offense' - again, I mean, this is a semantics thing, you can call it confrontation.

CONFRONTATION

But you better see this as confrontation with grace. Confrontation does not have to equal "aggression." Like we talked about last week, I think a humble conversation

CONVERSATION

with love and honesty where we talk about the impact of that offense in a personal manner - IE "you hurt me when you said… you hurt me… when you did… you hurt my loved ones when you acted that way…"

Because ultimately what this first phase of the Matthew principle is about is

COMMUNICATION

We are communicating that we've been wronged. Or we feel that we have been. We're

CLARIFY

Clarifying the situation and our feelings about the matter. And we're asking them for

CONFESSION

If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.Matthew 5:18

Let's clarify what confession is. Confession can be as simple as acknowledging that they hurt you. That they dun goofed. Or if you're on the other side that YOU hurt someone, that YOU dun goofed.

And I think maybe the most important factor to get to resolution, to get to confession, to successfully 'win people back' is 'are we listening.' It's right there in the verse - "if the other person LISTENS"

Meaning - they're open to hearing what you're saying. They're genuinely taking in what you're saying and reflecting on their actions. If they are listening (and I'm gonna stop saying this - just it's implied) or if we're on the other side and listening - then that means we're lowering our guard. They're lowering their guard. That means they're not being dismissive. They are not diminishing your feelings or the impact of what they did.

And confession can be as simple as "You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't think that through. I'm sorry I hurt you. I won't do it again. I'll try my best not to do it again (and they need to mean it, it can't be lip service) How can I make it right?

Now when they confess - here's something you don't get to do. You don't get to assign motive. You don't get to tell them why they did it. They know. You don't. You're guessing. And it is entirely possible - and I mean, coming from a guy with a mouth who thinks he's funny and sometimes it's only funny to me, I have stepped in it time and time again - not even realizing it. Trying to be funny. Being a little flip. Being silly and the other person doesn't pick up on it or they're not in the mood for it or they're reading into something I'm saying - so if a person says "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. That was not meant for harm. I had no intention of hurting you." Believe them. Until they prove otherwise. Fool me once… shame on you… fool me twice… you're still a jerk… and now I know better. I think that's how that saying goes.

Now if the person says something like "I'm sorry you feel that way… BUT" or "You're overreacting" or "you're making this up" - if they're gaslighting you, that's not confession and you have not won that person back. If the person utterly denies doing something to sin against you and you KNOW they have, you have not won that person back. In which case it's time to go to part II of the Matthew Principle which involves more individuals than just you and that person.

And that's where that old adage comes in… you may be familiar with it… "Where two or more are gathered… there's gonna be a problem." No - seriously. I mean, there could be. Step two is crucial. And if two or more are gathered and something is missing, it is NOT gonna go well. But that requires enough time to talk it through and explain that part of the principle and its origins as well as what that phrase really means… because spoiler alert - it is contained in this chapter of Matthew as PART OF THIS DISCUSSION.

Alright - Thank you for letting me share with you today. I hope you'll join us next week for part II of the Matthew Principle. Until next time, may we leave here remembering that reconciliation doesn't begin when the other person gets it right. It begins when we take the first step. Go in peace. And go and make peace. And may the grace that we've received become the grace that we give. God bless you. Have a great week!