Week 5: Bin the Bitterness (Part 2)

Really quick, before we move forward, let's just review some of the takeaways for getting rid of bitterness from last week because they'll help give us a better picture of the problem with bitterness and how we experience. If we want to throw our bitterness in the trash, we said the first thing we needed to do was

MAKE A CHOICE

that bitterness is not going to dictate our actions or our attitudes.

And then we need to

ACKNOWLEDGE OUR BITTERNESS

Name it and own it before God and others. Don't fool yourself. Be honest with your bitterness. Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward addressing that problem.

Then we need to shift our focus from the past to the present.

SHIFT YOUR FOCUS FROM THE PAST TO THE PRESENT

Instead of replaying the past, being stuck in the past, we need to be aware of the good in the present, our role in the present and we need to have hope in the future even if it looks different than we first imagined it.

And one of the best ways that we can shift our focus from the past to the present is to get the focus off of our pain in the past, off of the events that we're bitter about and shift our focus from ourselves to others.

SHIFT YOUR FOCUS FROM SELF TO OTHERS

These are all scripturally supported, psychologist approved steps we can take to bin the bitterness. And we're gonna add some more today. But one of the things that I think we need to do is to better understand what is actually behind bitterness. What's driving these feelings and emotions that we can't let go off. What is making us sour toward the world. I think that most of us think that bitterness is an anger problem because of how bitterness presents itself in our lives and especially toward others. We see bitterness lashing out at others, saying mean and hurtful things, being negative all the time. Being 'angry at the world.' But you want to know a secret? Bitterness often masks itself as anger. But the truth is we're not really angry. We're actually sad. We are sad that someone we loved betrayed us. We are sad because we lost something or someone important to us. We are sad because we missed out on opportunities that we thought we would have. We are sad because we are mourning the loss of an imagined future that we were planning in our heads. And that sadness hides behind being angry at another person or the world. The anger is actually the wall that we build so we don't have to feel the sadness underneath.

Being hurt by someone, particularly someone who you loved and trusted, can cause us to be angry - but first it usually causes us to be shocked, sad and confused.

We tell ourselves we're angry. But that's the effect, not the cause. In reality? We're grieving. And I'm gonna give you a solution to help with this. To help bin the bitterness. To let the anger go. To let the past go. And you may not like it. Cause it's hard. And it's probably something you're gonna have to keep working on. This isn't a switch you can just flip on or off. This is not an overnight thing. It's something you have to

MAKE A CHOICE

To do and then keep on doing it. If we want to get rid of the bitterness - then we have to

FORGIVE THOSE WHO CAUSED US PAIN

One of the verses that we keep coming back to in this message is Ephesians 4:31-32

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.Ephesians 4:31-32

See, we know - you don't need me to tell you this, that if you dwell on hurtful events or situations, or what people did to you - grudges can develop. Resentment and hostility can take root. The negative feelings you have will start to take over and crowd out positive feelings. And that's when we get swallowed up by bitterness. When that happens, we will bring anger and bitterness from the past into new relationships and experiences and we won't enjoy the present.

Now I said - you might not like this advice. And I get it. Truly, I do. Because that bitterness, well, it has a way of focusing on the injustice of it all. And maybe you're saying to yourself, you know what? This person or these people don't deserve forgiveness. And you may be right. But that's not the point.

We often confuse forgiveness with forgetting. That is not forgiveness. We often confuse forgiveness with restoration. That is not forgiveness. We think forgiveness is letting unsafe people back into our lives. Nope. You can have forgiveness with healthy boundaries. We often think that forgiveness says "what you did was okay." Which is the EXACT OPPOSITE OF FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness says "what you did was not okay, however I am making an intentional decision FOR MYSELF to let go of resentment and anger. I refuse to harbor this destructive hate in my heart anymore or seek revenge - not justice. Justice is still very much on the table. But forgiveness is a choice to let go of resentment and anger and the need for payback. You know what forgiveness also is sometimes? Letting go of the need to understand. Because some things are beyond understanding. Some things are beyond explanation. Some things are just wrong and evil and no amount of explanation is going to be make it make sense or justify the behavior or help you understand because it isn't something you should understand. Forgiveness says - I don't need the letter or the note or the voicemail or the coffee meeting where the other person explains their rationale. Because its not important for my growth. It's not necessary for me to have to release my bitterness.

Obviously, I think the most famous act of forgiveness is demonstrated from Jesus on the cross - and I don't just mean the conclusion of the act equaling forgiveness of all of our sins based on whichever atonement theory you ascribe to. The one that gets my attention - is when Jesus is up there on the cross. And He has been whipped and beaten and tortured and mocked and spit upon and stripped naked and raised up on a cross to die while people are gambling for his clothes and hurling insults at Him. And what does He say?

Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing.Luke 23:34

Jesus goes through all of this - yes, because it aligns with God's plan, but from a human perspective - why? Because He healed people? Because He taught people to love one another? Because He came to set the captives free? Because He encouraged and enlightened people? What explanation could the guards, the crowds, the religious leaders, the bystanders who got swept up into the political machinations of the religious leaders - what explanation would be good enough? What could possibly make crucifying Love in the flesh make sense? And yet Jesus doesn't ask "why." He doesn't demand an explanation. He doesn't even demand they repent before He offers mercy IN THE MOMENT.

Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing.Luke 23:34

Jesus example is a call to us as Christ followers to let go of our resentment and forgive others even in the midst of very real and very deep personal pain.

Right Josh. But what if I can't forgive? Look - forgiveness is a process. And even small hurts may need to be forgiven again and again in your mind as your thoughts decide to re-visit them. Sometimes what can be helpful is to reflect on times that other people have forgiven you. Forgiveness isn't hand-waving away your pain. It's refusing to let your pain rule you.

REFLECT ON TIMES THAT OTHERS HAVE FORGIVEN YOU

And when you choose to forgive, realize it's not for the other person. Getting the other person to change isn't the point. That may never happen. Forgiveness is a choice to take away the power that past events and people and pain have over your present life. For all my Creep I.E. Con fans out there this weekend it's kind of like when Nancy from a Nightmare On Elm Street turns her back on Freddy Krueger after all the pain he's caused her and her family and friends and says "I know the secret now… I take back every bit of energy I gave you."

And you know what? Choosing forgiveness is healing and life-bringing… to YOU. The Mayo Clinic has done studies on the benefits of forgiveness and it's pretty amazing. When you forgive, you experience -

Lower stress and anxiety

Reduced depression

Lower blood pressure

Improved heart health

A stronger immune system

Healthier relationships

And

Improved self-esteem

Forgiveness isn't just good for our spiritual health. It's good for our physical and psychological health as well.

Forgiveness brings a peace that allows us to focus on the abundant life that God wants us to have and helps us to go on with our lives.

Alright- I want to talk about one more component of bitterness. It is tied to it. And sometimes bitterness doesn't just change the way we interact with other people or the way we see the world - it can actually change our personality and self-image. Because bitterness sometimes isn't just masking sadness. It's masking fear.

If we have experienced pain or disappointment, especially on a devastating scale - we probably don't want to experience that again. And whether we realize it or not, our brain can consciously or subconsciously build a wall of bitterness around you to try and stop you from exposing yourself to harm or even disappointment again. So bitterness starts off as a way to hide from pain or even a fear of failure.

I'm not gonna make you raise your hand or anything - but I'm guessing that a lot of us have failed at something. Something meaningful to us, not just like, failing to defeat another Dark Souls boss or something. We failed at something that meant a lot to us. And I don't need to tell you - that hurts. It doesn't feel good. Sometimes it makes you question a lot. Well sometimes instead of admitting the pain and coming up with a plan to lick our wounds and get back up, we instead build a wall of bitterness that keeps us from trying again. Because if we don't try, we don't have to experience that pain again - or so we tell ourselves. So bitterness says - "The system was rigged against me. I didn't get the promotion because the wrong people don't like me or because of nepotism or because people don't know how to deal with my personality or my diagnosis. We can tell ourselves all kinds of things, and by the way, in some cases they may be true, but in other cases - it's just a wall of bitterness that eventually says either externally or internally "it's not worth trying. It's not worth it because nothing will ever change."

Bitterness sometimes can mask a fear of failure. And if this bitterness is attempting to mask a fear of pain or a fear of failure, a very strange and damaging thing can happen. Sometimes the dialogue that we tell ourselves to stop us from hurting, changes our self-image. We go from seeing ourselves as competent, able, purpose-driven, able to succeed with hope for the future to instead seeing ourselves as helpless victims. It can become a permanent change of character.

You know what else that particular kind of bitterness can do? It can be the wall that protects us from acknowledging our own role in whatever happened to us. Listen, I'll admit to you in front of God and man today that I've dealt with this kind of bitterness. Ever have a relationship go south on you in such a dramatic way that even Jerry Springer goes "Wow. That's really messed up!" Right. Okay. Been there, done that, have the therapy bills to prove it. And hooooo boy was I bitter. I mean, I was hurt. And it was painful. There was a lot of damage in a lot of areas of my life when that relationship broke up. And I could be angry - justly - for a lot of stuff. But bitterness… bitterness just absolutely blamed everything on the other party. And it kept me from acknowledging my own role and taking responsibility for the actions that got us to this in the first place. When your spider-senses are tingling on your first date going "This may not be the best idea" but then you over-ride that discernment because, "I don't know, she's real pretty! Let's just see how it goes!" Okay. You have some responsibility to take. You have some ownership in this LLC of lies, in this partnership of pain.

Ever make a bad investment? And then that bitterness goes and builds a wall that shields you from taking responsibility? Let's take a walk down memory lane to the mid to the late 1990's. "So, you diversifying your portfolio? How are you investing in your retirement?" "I'm putting all my money into Beanie Babies. Those suckers are gonna keep rocketing up in value. And then one day I'm gonna sell and move to Bora Bora." "Really - you don't want to invest in gold or maybe Microsoft stock?" "Nope. I'm investing in Peace Bear and Zip The Cat." Okay. And then when the bottom of the beanie baby market dropped out. When the bear market became a literal bear market - did you blame yourself? Or did you blame everybody who hyped Beanie Babies as an investment? Did you blame TY Warner? eBay? Or did you take responsibility for your own role in this potentially risky investment opportunity?

Scripture is full of stories of individuals who tried to pass the buck rather than take accountability for their actions - Adam. "It was the woman." - Aaron - "it was those people who are set on evil who made me make the Golden Calf." Pilate - "I wash my hands of this."

But if we want to bin the bitterness - it is important for us to take ownership. Here's the random verse of the day. It'll make sense in a minute. Proverbs 24:26

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.Proverbs 24:26 (NIV)

Hey, hey. (French - OH ho ho) It's most likely a kiss of friendship culturally speaking, so don't get too excited. Translation - words of truth, or a straight answer - is like a warm affectionate greeting. Telling the truth is a sign of respect. True kindness is about being honest.

And some of us - well, we're not being very kind to ourselves. We're not being respectful to ourselves. We're not showing ourselves the love we need. Because we aren't being honest with ourselves. We're allowing our bitterness to create a sense of victimhood in us… instead of responsibility.

If we want to bin the bitterness - we need to realize

PAST EVENTS ARE NOT OUR IDENTITY

Now make no mistake - what happened to us matters. It's part of our story. But it is not WHO WE ARE. Bitterness seeks to define us - and it will make us the victim. And when that happens we are TRAPPED. We are not only trapped in the past, but because we believe we are victims, then we just believe that we are at the whims of life and fate and the people around us. Nothing we do matters. Life will be dictated to us, not by us. And we will approach and process our lives with the most negative of perspectives.

Instead of letting that happen - we need to

LEAVE OUR VICTIM MENTALITY AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Cause watch what happens. Here's what happens when we take responsibility and ownership, even if it's just a small portion of what happened in our lives -

We take responsibility. We say, "yeah, I'm responsible for what happened. But I'm also responsible for what happens next." "Yeah. I take responsibility for making a bad choice. But I'm also responsible for the better choices I'm going to make in the future." When we take responsibility for our own actions. When we are truthful with ourselves instead of allowing bitterness to shift all the blame on others and label us as victims - then we are creating a new, more powerful narrative. We are admitting - "Yes, these things from the past hurt me, but I won't allow them to control me. It is my responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen." And again, this is another way of shifting our focus from the past to the present -

SHIFT YOUR FOCUS FROM THE PAST TO THE PRESENT

Because we are shifting our focus from being a victim in the past to taking responsibility for our PRESENT and CURRENT emotional state.

There's one more thing that I think is helpful for us when it comes to taking out the bitterness in our lives. It's something that the apostle Paul writes in Philippians 4:8

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.Philippians 4:8

Think about what is TRUE. Think about what is RIGHT. And PURE. And LOVELY. And ADMIRABLE.

We need to

CHALLENGE UNHEALTHY AND UNHELPFUL THOUGHT PATTERNS

We need to be real with ourselves. And we need to be able to look past the bitterness in our lives to recognize feelings and thoughts and philosophies that are not serving us well. They're not doing any good in our lives. We need to remember and revisit our core values and our identity - yes, through reading scripture, yes through prayer to our Lord and Savior. And then we need to take action and change our way of thinking to replace bitterness with a healthier, Christ-centered outlook.

I'll give you an example of an unhealthy or unhelpful thought pattern. Some of you will relate to this. You'll recognize this as part of your bitterness. Sometimes when we've experienced great pain or disappointment, we can literally develop phobias about revisiting places that remind you of the pain.

Por ejemplo - you remember that breakup I was talking about earlier? Yeah - well, I don't want to name names or anything or disparage any place in particular. So I won't. But my ex lived in a town… let's call it KRAPROOM. Well, she lived there, her family lived there, the breakup happened there, it was the scene of the crime. And I was pretty hurt and damaged and all that. And I didn't want to go anywhere near there. Because every time that I did, it reminded me of the pain. I was afraid of running into her or her family. And instead of admitting my fear which turned into a phobia - so much so - that when we broke up, I had a blockbuster videotape that we had rented from the Kraproom blockbuster that I had to return, and I didn't want to go alone. So my mom, made the 80 plus mile drive with me to go and return the tape so I didn't have to be alone. Well I covered up the phobia and the fear with bitterness. I talked so much crap - pun totally intended - about that place. Lame place. There's nothing up there but cows. Can't even keep a Target in business. Have a ribbon cutting for a Rite-Aid. Seriously - if anybody even MENTIONED the town, the bitterness of my heart turned into the acidity of my mouth as I basically shook my fist and cast curses upon that place - "stupid town - lets tigers escape and then kills them, names a new road the same as an old road, but doesn't bother to close off the end of the old road so your car goes sliding off into the dirt… but who cares cause cows don't have GPS." Yeah. It was ridiculous. And anybody sitting across from me would look at me like "What is the matter with this guy? Why is this town at the center of this guy's super-villain origin story?"

Well - God, life… circumstances… has a funny sense of humor sometimes. In 2020, my family and I wound up moving to a neighboring city to KRAPROOM because it was what we could afford. We really liked it up there. Little did I know that my daughter's first five pre-school would be right in the heart of KRAPROOM. And after pre-school we would sometimes go to the McDonald's right around the corner… which was in the same strip mall as the blockbuster video that my mom went with me to to return the tape. My daughter's first dance recital was in the theater at Kraproom high school where my ex used to compete in and produce pageants that I would go to. When I go to visit Kamille at work or go to our credit union, I have to take Kraproom road to get there. I go to field trips with my kid in that town. There's a farm in that town that is one of my kid's favorite places to visit on family or daddy-daughter days. And it's one of mine too. I could keep this up and keep giving you instances for a long time. But I say all that to say this -

With the help of time, my wife, and God working on my heart - I challenged some of the unhealthy and unhelpful thought patterns around that place that I harbored. And I shifted my focus from the past to the present. Realizing, yeah, I was hurt and sad and maddened and bitter in the past - the present - the future - it was so good. Here was my kid dancing. Here was my kid experiencing joy and playing. Here was my kid loving to learn. Here was my 'adopted daughter' working in a great environment. It helped that I could shift the focus off of myself and my past and onto others - namely my wife and kid and adopted Kamille :) And with a little introspection and honesty, I stopped blaming the town and the people in it - including my ex. Yeah she did some stuff. But you know what, I took responsibility for the role I played. And that meant I was responsible for how my future played out and what thoughts played out in my mind when I was clearly going to be spending some time in this neighboring town. And it helped me realize that past events - are not my identity. And they are not this town's identity either. Things change. Environments change. Hearts change. They don't have the blockbuster anymore. They actually have a Target again. The cows are still there, but I digress…

I acknowledged my bitterness. I named it. Owned it. Called it out for what it was. Fear. Grief. Unhealthy coping mechanisms that no longer did me any good. And I long ago had made the decision to forgive the individual - but I decided to forgive the town too. Some of you armchair psychologists are having a field day right now. I know. And I made a choice.

And this is the choice that we are all faced with when dealing with painful memories and events that we are carrying with us.

We can get bitter… or we can get better. But we can't do both. In the book of James we read -

You can't draw fresh water from a salty spring.James 3:12

If we want to get rid of the bitterness in our lives, we need to make a choice… to be less salty. We need to choose love over resentment. We need to choose new opportunities over old injuries. We need to choose new relationships over old wounds. We need to choose present joy over past disappointment.

Bitterness flavors everything. We need to get rid of it. Bin it up and throw it out. One more time with feeling -

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, (even if it's just about towns with cows) as well as all types of evil behavior. INSTEAD, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. And then you know what you do? It's the next thing Paul writes - "Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are His dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered Himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.Ephesians 5:1-2

Jesus did offer Himself as a sacrifice for us. Not just to remove our sin, which He did - all of it - past, present and future, but also so that we could live abundantly. Jesus doesn't want us to simply survive with a guarded and bitter heart. He wants us to thrive with Him as the center and Lord of our lives. Listen, that stuff that no longer serves us, that stuff that's killing our joy, Jesus wants us to take it out and hand it over to Him so we can experience HIS FREEDOM so we can LOVE life and love others again.

Until next time - may what tried to make you bitter, be transformed into wisdom, compassion and strength. And may God's love and peace, not bitterness, have the final word in your lives. God bless you, have a great week!