Week 48: New Math

Today, we are going to be talking about forgiveness. I'm not burying the lead at all today. Cause I need to be honest with you - we just got done with several weeks about the command to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you. And I want to come right out and tell you that there is going to be some overlap here between what we talked about in the last several messages and this one. Because how could there not be? Also - forgiveness is one of those things that if we're not careful about understanding what it truly means, we can do more damage to ourselves and others in the long run, thinking we're doing the right thing.

Our key verses today come from Matthew chapter 18 verses 21 and 22. Peter comes up to Jesus and asks a question,

Then Peter came to Him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!"Matthew 18:21-22

So #40 on our list of Fifty things is

#40 - FORGIVE

Alright, first, a little context here. Some of you might already know this, for others, it might be kind of funny. Let me know if you relate at all. So in the world that Jesus and His disciples lived in, Rabbinic law said that you needed to forgive an offender three times for a specific sin, but upon the fourth infraction, you didn't have to forgive them any more. Their sins could now be unforgivable. And we find this idea in the writings of second and third century Rabbis, and also in the Talmud, the central text of mainstream Judaism which records centuries of rabbinic laws, ethics, debates and interpretations. And all of these they're collected and compiled anywhere from about 200 to 500 years after Jesus life, but they come from both written and oral tradition that had been passed down and taught to the Jewish people for centuries. So Peter, he's a fisherman, but he's been raised in the tradition, he's a good Jewish boy - he's heard the "you must forgive the same offense THREE times" idea throughout his life. So he goes up to Jesus and says, "Uh, hey Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? SEVEN times? Huh? Huh?" (Rubs apple on his shirt) and Peter is probably thinking - Im gonna look really good before the Lord, right now. You really only need to forgive someone three times, so I'm gonna say seven, cause not only is that..you have three apples, then you have three more apples, carry the one, not only is that double the amount that I need to forgive, but we're gonna throw in one more freebie for good measure. How forgiving and awesome am I gonna look here?"

Okay - now to be fair, that is speculation. It is broad and accepted speculation throughout the years of breaking down these verses, it is a very familiar narrative when teaching this passage, and I think part of the reason for that is because it's so relatable. We all want to look good in front of people. We all want to impress people. We all want to seem more forgiving and magnanimous and good-hearted than we probably actually are. So we offer - "Hey, Jesus, I know the line was at three times, but how about seven? How godly am I? How Christ-like am I?" Anyone want to admit to relating to this? Anyone recognize a little of themselves in this interpretation?

Yeah I have been there. But since we're speculating and we don't know for sure, I also offer you THIS alternative - what if Peter didn't want to look good in front of Jesus? What if Peter just wanted confirmation of the rule he grew up with? He was sick of somebody's behavior toward him, so Peter intentionally inflates the number a little bit and asks Jesus "How many times should I forgive someone who sins against me? Was it… seven? Seven times?" HOPING that Jesus would correct him and go, "No, Peter. The rule is three you know that. Fourth time, all bets are off." Cause then Peter would be free to respond in an unkind way and put the screws to anyone who was bothering him after the third time. Maybe Peter was hoping Jesus would say "Nah. Just three times." So Peter could turn around and go, "You hear that Andrew?! Pepper my fish when I'm not looking one more time and I'm gonna slap you with that fish and throw you into the dead sea! Yeah, forgive this!"

Does anybody relate to that particular interpretation? Secretly, deep-down wanting the green-light to launch on those who have hurt us or even just annoyed us over and over again?

I relate to both of these speculative interpretations. And whichever one it was, or maybe even secret option c - "none of the above" - Jesus' answer to the question, "How many times should I forgive someone who sins against me?" Is enough to stop us dead in our tracks and send us into stunned silence… and not just cause some of us aren't that great at multiplication and we're trying to do the math.

(70 x 7 = 490) You're welcome.

Now don't get all literalist on me here and go, okay 490 - that's the number of times I need to forgive somebody. And I've got someone in my life that's probably creeping up on that number pretty fast if they haven't already surpassed it. Don't point at me! How dare you. You're my wife!

That's actually probably not far from the truth though. I'll say something now and you can underline it and we'll come back to it but

RELATIONSHIP IS FORGIVENESS

Whether it's a romantic relationship, a friendship relationship, a professional relationship - if you're in relationship with someone for any significant amount of time and you want to keep that relationship going, then relationship IS forgiveness. And you might even hit that 490 number.

Jesus was not being literal here. What He was getting across to Peter and anyone listening is that there is no upper limit on the amount of times we should forgive someone. There should be no limit to our forgiveness.

And this is where I think there starts to be pushback. Because we go, "Wait a second? I'm just supposed to let somebody keep harming me? Keep hurting me? Keep messing with me? I'm supposed to just be a punching bag for someone else? No. But you're supposed to forgive them. And forgiveness doesn't require you to do that. Before we talk about what forgiveness actually is, I want to talk about WHY we forgive according to what Jesus says and the examples He gives us.

He follows up essentially telling Peter that there's no upper limit to the amount of times we need to forgive someone by sharing a parable. A parable is a story that teaches a moral or spiritual lesson using references and situations that the listener would be able to understand and relate to. So Jesus says, starting in Matthew 18:23 -

Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn't pay, so his master ordered that he be sold - along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned- to pay the debt. But the man fell down before his master and begged him, 'Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.' Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. 'Be patient with me, and I will pay it,' he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn't wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. "When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgive and said, 'You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn't you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?' Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. That's what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.Matthew 18:23-35

Alright. So let's talk about why we should forgive based on this parable and what Jesus told Peter about 70x7. First -

JESUS DOESN'T SUPPORT SOCIETAL SCOREKEEPING

Our society does. Right? Otherwise we wouldn't have phrases like "He got 1up on me." "I need to 'get even.' Society keeps score, Jesus says forgiveness isn't about a specific number that is owed to you, it's not about a specific number of offenses committed against you. That has nothing to do with whether we forgive or not. We forgive because Jesus first forgave us.

WE FORGIVE BECAUSE JESUS FIRST FORGAVE US

In this parable, we could be the servant who is forgiven by the king. And we are forgiven A LOT. A million dollars off the books according to the parable. But the point is, we had a debt we couldn't pay, and the merciful King heard our cries and COMPLETELY forgave us. Wiped our debts away.

Look, this isn't to make you feel guilty or anything. Maybe you've lived like a saint. Or you think you have. But the point of this is to say that because of the mercy and grace of Christ, because of His love - as in

We love each other because He loved us first.1 John 4:19

we have been forgiven of all of our sins. In Psalm 103:12, a Psalm of David, we're given a metaphor to help us understand our forgiveness.

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.Psalm 103:12

And by the way, the reason we were forgiven is not because we deserved it. It's not because we did something to earn it. Forgiveness was freely given to us because of the goodness of the Savior we follow and the love of our Heavenly Father.

I think it's interesting that Jesus uses the phrase "Kingdom of God" when He tells this parable - He says "The Kingdom of God is like…" and then tells the story of the merciful king who forgives a huge debt. The Kingdom of God is not Heaven. "The Kingdom of God," a phrase used interchangeably with "The Kingdom of Heaven" - is where people are doing the will of God. Where hearts and lives are being changed. And it is just as real here on earth as it is in Heaven.

We forgive, not because people deserve it. They probably don't. We forgive because if we understand the parable of the unforgiving servant, then we understand that we forgive because our King forgives whether people deserve it or not. And that forgiveness even to the undeserving was extended up to and including Jesus' time on the cross. While He was dying between two criminals - completely innocent, having done nothing to deserve His fate, a group of soldiers, the same ones who helped put Jesus on that cross were gambling for Jesus' clothes and mocking Him. And what was Jesus' prayer in Luke 23:34?

Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing.Luke 23:34

Over and over we read this principle in scripture. We don't forgive because those who hurt us necessarily deserve it. In Ephesians 4:32 the apostle Paul encourages followers of Christ to

be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.Ephesians 4:32

In Colossians 3:13 he repeats the sentiment -

Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.Colossians 3:13

Even the Lord's prayer, taught to us by Jesus Himself encourages us to pray

forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.Matthew 6:12

We forgive because we have first been forgiven. We forgive because we are emulating our King and our Savior.

And it's very possible that you're sitting here going, "Yeah, Josh. Cool. I totally get this from a theological standpoint. I get that I'm supposed to be following Jesus' example, but I am not necessarily happy about following that example of forgiveness. Or perhaps you're thinking, "I'm not READY to follow that example of forgiveness." Or perhaps you've been so hurt that you can't even imagine being ABLE to follow that example of forgiveness. And I get it. Been there, done that. And let me tell you, it's a lot harder to forgive someone if we don't understand what forgiveness is and what forgiveness isn't.

Let's start with what forgiveness isn't. Cause I think this is where it gets especially hard for us to even imagine forgiving someone if we don't have the right idea of what forgiveness is.

First of all, forgiveness doesn't mean pretending like someone didn't hurt you or didn't do anything wrong. It is not ignoring bad behavior. The fact that a person did something wrong is the reason they need forgiveness in the first place. In Luke 17, Jesus says to His disciples,

If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.Luke 17:3-4

Let's take the first part of that verse, first. If somebody does something wrong, if somebody hurts you or is a jerk to do or does something heinous - you can call them on it. Even if they are a fellow believer. You have every right to say, "You, that's messed up and you need to fix it."

FORGIVENESS IS NOT PRETENDING NOTHING HAPPENED

Now, the command is to FORGIVE… not necessarily reconcile. You don't have to be besties. You don't even have to like the person that you're forgiving. In the example that Jesus is speaking with with His disciples here, there's kind of an implied relationship here. An ongoing relationship. And He's speaking to a diverse group of individuals from very different backgrounds. Some were natural enemies - like Matthew the tax collector who would've been seen as a traitor to his people, and Simon the zealot, who would've been an insurrectionist trying to overthrow said government. There were educational differences, there were existing prejudices among the group, there was a lot of stuff they had to overcome to stay in relationship with one another. And so they were probably stepping on each others toes, so to speak, right and left, multiple times a day. Notice the end though -

if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.Luke 17:4

- that is an indicator that the person who messed up, knows they messed up and wants to fix it. There is an attempt at reconciliation. There is an attempt at eating crow and saying sorry and trying to make it up to the other person or arrive at a mutual understanding. I know some people they will apologize over and over and then keep doing the same thing over and over because they don't really mean the apology, but they mean the hurt, and the apology is just so they can get away with it… there's a difference and we need to be able to recognize it.

Now, we'll talk a lot about reconciliation in a future week, there's no way some of these topics on the list of Fifty Things don't have overlap with each other. I don't want to spend too much time talking about reconciliation - but I do need to make a couple of points.

What about the people who don't come up and ask for forgiveness? What about those who have hurt us and know they hurt us and they don't care? What about those who have hurt us and they'd do it again -

Well, we're still called to forgive, but reconciliation is not gonna be possible.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT NECESSARILY RECONCILIATION

If somebody continues to be dangerous to your health, physical or mental - if someone continually takes advantage of you, you are not called to put up with that. You are not called to be a doormat. You need to be wise and use discernment and get yourself out of close proximity from that person one way or another.

FORGIVENESS STILL ALLOWS US TO SET HEALTHY AND SAFE BOUNDARIES

If you set fire to my house, I can forgive you, but you are not going to be invited to any more bbq and fireworks celebrations at my place on the 4th of July. If I gave you money to pay your rent and you blew it on Pokemon cards… I'm not giving you money anymore. Nothing against Eevees and Charizards… that's just called setting a healthy boundary. If you intentionally hurt one of my friends and do nothing to make it right… you are not going to be MY friend anymore. Regardless of what you have or have not done to me.

Forgiveness allows for boundaries. Some boundaries don't allow for reconciliation. And that's fine. That's not a lack of Christian love. That's being gentle as a dove and wise as a serpent.

Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation. Here's the difference

RECONCILIATION HAPPENS IN RELATIONSHIP

FORGIVENESS HAPPENS IN OUR HEARTS AND SOULS

You see the difference?

Now - I did say earlier,

RELATIONSHIP IS FORGIVENESS

Folks, I have been married to my lovely wife, Erin for 12 years. We have been together for 22 years. We would not be together if we didn't forgive each other probably every day. Now think about this - these are two people who pledged their lives to each other, said "Yep. You're the one I want to be with for the rest of my life." Agreed upon it, made the commitment - and we have been together over two decades - and we still apologize to each other and ask for forgiveness and OFFER forgiveness to one another more times that I would've expected, and honestly more times than I'd like to admit to happening. Because two people who see each other a lot, or more than two people, a family, a friends group, a workout group, a church group even, there will just naturally be times that your personalities, habits, wants, needs, desires, senses of humor, plans, beliefs, politics, sleep schedules, money-management, energy levels, or desired air conditioning temperatures collide.

There will be times that we say the wrong things, do the wrong things, pull the wrong face, have the wrong attitude, have the wrong timing or even on occasion have the wrong intentions or understanding toward the other person. And if we want to stay in relationship - that forgiveness has to be firm in our hearts, fresh in our minds and fast on our lips.

We need to be quick to ask for forgiveness. We need to be quick to grant forgiveness. And sometimes, we just need to forgive even though the other person hasn't asked for it. Forgiveness is the beginning of reconciliation. And that's the key to staying in relationship with one another. If you don't have forgiveness in your heart - I'll tell you what you undoubtedly have… resentment. Pain. Anger. Stress. You're wanting something that you're not getting. And I'm gonna tell you a secret about forgiveness - sometimes we want something that it's not even possible to get. But we're holding on because we think we will or we don't know any better.

I know my wife has had to forgive me more than 490 times over our 22 years together. Heck, she probably had to forgive me more than 490 times on our last vacation. But the key to staying in relationship… is forgiveness.

So what is forgiveness? Well, I could tell you… but then how would I get you to come back next week? Part 2 of forgiveness is next week. We'll talk about exactly what it is. Now, if you don't want to wait, and you like solving a mystery, I'll give you a clue - the answer is in the scriptures we looked at earlier today. We'll see if you come up with the same answer when we get together next week.