Week 47: Love Heals

Now I said we're wrapping up #39 "LOVE YOUR ENEMIES" today. Why are we spending three weeks talking about this one? Well, because it's one of the hardest things I think Jesus asks us to do. And it's really easy to get this command twisted. We can become the doormat or dismiss bad behavior, forego justice, diminish consequences and think we're doing a good thing. That's not what loving our enemies is.

Here's another reason why I think the command to love our enemies is so hard - it doesn't seem fair. Our natural tendencies is to respond in kind. To make sure that if we've been hurt, we hurt them back. That somehow there is a measure of parity when it comes to the pain we've been caused. "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." And that is specifically why Jesus needed to teach us -

You have heard the law that says, 'Love your neighbor' and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.Matthew 5:43-45

And this is what I want to talk about today - we seem to think that loving our enemies is FOR our enemies. We often think that loving our enemies BENEFITS our enemies. And that's one of the reasons it can be so hard for us to implement. Because we think - why is that fair? They hurt us, but I've gotta be the one to suck it up? They caused me pain, and yet I've gotta be the bigger person and choose to show love?

Funny thing though. Yes - are your enemies going to benefit from your choice to love them regardless? Probably. There's also the chance that in addition to the benefits they get served up a big heaping pile of shame according to both Proverbs and Romans 12:20 - where the apostle Paul says -

If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.Romans 12:20

By the way - the goal is not shame. That's not the main goal. Don't love your nemeses just to shame them. That's what we call "operating under false pretenses." "Ulterior motives." The goal of loving our enemies is not only to be Christ-like, but if there's a an additional effect that we're hoping for it's that the love we show for our enemies will ultimately lead our enemies to humility and repentance instead of retaliation. That may come from shame, but that's not why we love our enemies.

What if I told you.. that the secret to loving your enemies was to understand that this is something that helps YOU. That loving your enemies might even be more about YOUR health than theirs?

I mean, let's just remember Jesus and our Heavenly Father's M.O. for a second, shall we? In Romans 8:28, the apostle Paul states that

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.Romans 8:28

Alright - so somehow loving our enemies is gonna work for OUR good. Otherwise Jesus wouldn't have called us to do it.

In John 10:10, Jesus said -

The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.John 10:10

So again, if Jesus' purpose is to give us a rich and satisfying life, and to stop the theft of our joy and abundant life - then His explicit command for us to love our enemies must be something that contributes to a rich and satisfying life for us.

Alright - one more - from Matthew 7:11, Jesus says -

So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him?Matthew 7:11

Okay - what if this command to love our enemies… hear me out… is actually a gift to us. Sounds like something that would be a struggle. Something that we don't want to do, but in actuality, at the end of the day, it's a gift from God Himself.

If we understand our Heavenly Father and our Savior's will for our lives, then we have to arrive at the conclusion that loving our enemies is not just a blessing to our enemies, but a blessing and a gift and dare I say, a healing for us.

Let me explain what I mean. And I want to start with a verse that we've already looked at during our discussion about loving our enemies. It's Romans 12:17-18. The apostle Paul writes -

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things ins such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.Romans 12:17

Alright, check. Got it. Here's the part I want to focus on -

Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.Romans 12:18

Alright. Think about this for a second. LIVING in peace doesn't just mean KEEPING the peace. Living in peace means that YOU are living in peace too. That means YOU are at peace.

Now - I am willing to bet that if you have ongoing beef with someone - it is enough that you have been harmed in some way, which does not always have to be physically, okay, you have been psychologically or emotionally rattled by someone - I doubt that you are at peace. And even as time goes on - okay - you may be removed from immediate danger. The situation or conflict - let's call it a battle, because it sometimes is - the battle is over… but are you truly at peace? What happens when something reminds you of their existence? What happens when that person pops into your head? What happens when you think about the situation again? Are you at peace? Or do you find yourself mentally arguing with them again? Rehearsing revenge? Replaying the events over and over looking for answers like you're Kevin Costner watching the Zapruder film in JFK?

Anybody have heated imaginary arguments in the shower? Winning the bi-weekly walk-in shower invitational debate sponsored by Head and Shoulders? Oh, I have absolutely destroyed people in imaginary debates while shampooing. It's where I do some of my best work.

Yeah….. here's the thing about that… it's not healthy. It's not. Cause there's a good reason why you're probably replaying all those moments, and you keep having imaginary arguments and conversations and revenge fantasies… it means that you probably are still harboring resentment toward your enemy.

RESENTMENT

And that may make all the sense in the world. This is not about whether resentment makes sense or not based on what you've been through or what they've done to you. This is just about the effects of resentment and what it does.

Resentment leads to rumination.

RUMINATION

And rumination is where your enemy lives rent-free in your head. You're up at night replaying things and thinking about what you'd do or say if given the chance, worrying about running into them somewhere randomly and what that encounter would be like… you're losing sleep… the other person might be sleeping fine.

Resentment and Rumination hurt YOU.

Now here's where this cycle of resentment and rumination actually come from - neuroscience tells us that it's basically our brain getting stuck on a repeat loop where our attention and prediction systems keep coming back to the same thoughts or memories of prior incidents - and the main reason for this is because our brain doesn't perceive a resolution.

So basically, you're sitting there, something reminds you of your enemy and your brain is like "I hate that guy." And then you start replaying the past or you think about imaginary situations, but because they are imaginary, there is no resolution… and so you may get distracted, but eventually your brain comes back around to "I hate that guy." And the cycle repeats.

What if I told you that Jesus' command to love our enemies IS

RESOLUTION

Here's why - the other scenarios - they're open ended - they're imaginary - or you didn't get the closure you needed and you probably never will - the pain is still there…. What are you going to do about it? You can let your brain run on auto=pilot and resent that person and ruminate which only increases YOUR stress and your pain and steals YOU joy. Or you can RESOLVE to love your enemies. That's the end. That's the resolution. You say - "This is where the story ends. With CHOOSING to love my enemies.

Cause remember

LOVE IS A CHOICE

And

LOVE IS AN ACTION

Resentment and rumination are not actions or choices that you are consciously making. They are emotional states and pretty much unconscious mind traps that our brain circuits are running. But CHOOSING to LOVE (an action) your enemies is a RESOLUTION.

LOVING OUR ENEMIES IS ACTUALLY SELF-DEFENSE

Spiritually speaking, psychologically speaking.

Now I'm gonna tell you why this works and I'm gonna show you HOW this works. It's not necessarily easy - it requires

RESOLVE

And

REPETITION

Practice makes perfect - but here's the first reason why loving your enemies is a successful strategy to rid yourself of resentment and rumination.

When someone sets themselves up against you as your antagonist, the feelings of resentment weigh heavily on your mind and soul. But choosing to love your enemies frees you from the weight of BEING the antagonist. See they may have ill will toward you, you don't have to choose that role. You don't have to have mutual ill-will toward them. And when you're not worried about returning the favor - responding in kind - when you're not worried about how your enemies see or respond to YOU, and you're just living your life with the end goal - the RESOLUTION of 'I'm going to choose to love my enemies in a way that is safe and healthy for me to do' that's a big mental load off - a weight off your shoulders.

Now let me give you some strategies for making this work once you've made the choice that the resolution will be loving your enemies. The first thing you're gonna need to do is you're gonna have to sort of detach in a way.

DETACH

And this is what I mean by that - part of the reason you're stuck in the resentment and rumination loop is because you're still expecting a resolution from your enemy that probably isn't coming. You are waiting for them to change. Not likely, at least not anytime soon. Not impossible, but God's probably gonna have to do a work in their lives. I wouldn't stand around waiting for it. You may be waiting for an apology. For your enemy to admit that they were wrong and that what they did to you was wrong. Once again - probably not coming. At least not immediately. It could happen. People do win the Powerball. But people have a better chance of being struck by lightning than actually winning the Powerball. And right now if you're stuck in a resentment and rumination loop you might be thinking - "I wish my enemy would get struck by lightning." And that's why you need today's message. Here's the thing - you can arrive at ACCEPTANCE and move on with your own life back toward what brings you joy, but that means giving up waiting for your enemy to make it right to you. Romans 12:19 has the apostle Paul saying,

Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the Lord.Romans 12:19

And again - we're not looking for revenge. We're not - but the reason why I share this verse is to say, "It's okay to let go… God will handle the other party. God will take care of the situation. You don't need to hold onto bitterness. You don't have to keep holding them accountable in your own mind. Let your enemy go and let God deal with them."

And I think we can take into account what the author of Proverbs, a book of wisdom, has to say in Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.Proverbs 4:23

We need to be able to be honest with ourselves and say, ruminating over this toxic behavior or event is not good for my heart or my mind or my soul. I can detach from it and let go… but when you do that you need to

DIRECT

Your focus and attention elsewhere. We need to take the energy that we've been putting into resentment and rumination and direct it toward the things that bring us joy. Toward the purposes that our Lord created us for. Overthinking punishes us. People living rent free in our head takes up space for other people and good things that we can give that space to. The longer we stay immersed in hatred, the easier it is to normalize hatred. Resentment doesn't poison the people you hate. It poisons you. And the antidote is directing our actions to good things and directing our attention to good people.

There's a reason why Paul wraps up Philippians like this - real quick - would you consider ruminating a form of worrying? Worrying about whether you're gonna run into that person again? Worrying if they're not cooking up some more nefarious crap for you to deal with? Okay - this is such a familiar set of verses - but I want us to apply them to this situation we're talking about -

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.Philippians 4:8

Bitterness robs us of our peace. Directing our thoughts to things that are pure and lovely and worthy of praise grants us peace.

Okay - try this - the next time you catch yourself ruminating - having a shower argument, not concentrating on the traffic in front of you, but instead replaying the emotional pile-up that has caused a standstill in the freeway of your mind - direct your attention away from your enemies. And think about somebody you love. Think about your kids. Think about your spouse. Your boyfriend, your girlfriend, think about your best friend, a friend… think about what a friend we have a in Jesus. That's how we break the cycle. By fixing our thoughts on things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

See - sometimes we think we're just gonna power through and just NOT think about our enemies. That's not how our brain works, usually. You don't stop thinking about someone by trying not to think about them.

Case in point - let's try a little thought experiment here today. Everybody close your eyes and try NOT to think about a white polar bear.

Alright open your eyes. How many of you thought about a white polar bear? Even though I specifically asked you not to!?!?!?! Rebels… all of you… troublemakers…

Nah - that's just how the brain works. Alright - let's try something a little different here. In a second, I'm gonna ask you to close your eyes again, and I'm gonna ask you not to think about a white polar bear. But IF that polar bear happens to pop into your mind, we're gonna call a POLAR BEAR ALERT and I'm gonna ask you to replace the thought of the Polar Bear by immediately thinking about a pink elephant. Okay? So white polar bear = POLAR BEAR ALERT = pink elephant. Got it? Alright. Close your eyes. Try not to think about a white polar bear. Alright open your eyes. How many of thought of a white polar bear? Initially right, now how many of you once the white polar bear showed up, you were able to replace it by thinking of a pink elephant? How many of you thought of pink elephants on parade? Excellent. Now how many of you imagined the Polar Bear and the Pink Elephant in a cage match, like UFC and they're fighting each other, and there's a Zebra referee, that's a real Zebra, and he's like, Listen Pink Elephant, no more spraying water in the Polar Bear's face, and like, the Coke bears are there in the front row cheering the polar bear on and like the elephant in the cage, he turns to the crowd and there's the Saggy Baggy Elephant, and he's like this is for you! I'm doing this for you! Yo Babar!…" Anybody? Just me? yeah, they probably need to up my meds.

But with props to evangelist Jay Carty for the illustration - that is how you re-direct your thoughts. The polar bear is your enemy - the pink elephant is something pure and admirable and lovely and worthy of praise.

Along those lines… sometimes you need to take a

DETOUR

If you're sitting somewhere - you're on the couch, you're in bed, whatever, you're alone with your thoughts… and here comes the rumination and the racing thoughts and the bitterness about your enemies and they start to take up space in your brain, one of the best things you can do is take a walk. Change the environment. This is true. From a neuroscience perspective, when you get up and you go for a walk, especially outside to a different environment, you are shifting your attention from your thoughts to physical sensations. For example, your feet on the path, your breath as you're walking at pace, the feel of the breeze on your face, the sun on your back, the sounds of the birds or the crickets or even traffic - all of those sensory inputs draw your attention away from your mental loops.

And truly, often when you're on your walk - okay, you get up from your seat and you leave the house or you leave the office carrying resentment - but twenty minutes later, you're looking at trees, you're petting the neighbor's dog that's out for a walk, you're getting some fresh air, and suddenly, the problem isn't as big or as pressing as it was when you were sitting there ruminating. Because you took a walk, you got a change in perspective and you experienced things that were lovey and worthy of praise.

Alright - here's something else you can do, and it matches up with the last two - it goes hand in hand -

DEBRIEF

There's a psychological fancy phrase called "Co-regulation." And all that means is when you aren't at peace, you borrow somebody else's. Look, God designed us for community. It's part of the reason you're here at SeaCoast, I hope, to be part of a loving and caring community. You know, it's the old principle of Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.Proverbs 27:17

Now when you are disregulated and you are spiraling… when you are ruminating and resenting and sometimes reverting back to that default state that you experienced when the pain and hurt from your enemies was fresh - one of the things we can do is call a trusted friend who is good at

DE-ESCALATING

A situation. Good at providing clear and simple advice. Someone who will encourage you to be the person who Christ called us to be. Do not call the friend who will pour fuel on the fire and get you all ramped up again. We all have a friend like that. They're great for burying bodies, but they're not great at encouraging you to be at peace. Right. Call the friend or advisor or counselor or therapist or family member or pastor who is gonna say, "alright. Let's take a breath. Let's think about this. Let's try and see what a healthy avenue for you to pursue is. Let's talk about how we can love your enemies while keeping you safe and sane.

Because sometimes loving your enemy starts by surrounding yourself with people who remind you of who YOU are. Our natural tendency is to assimilate and drop to our enemies level. Return fire in the same manner. Become like our enemies. We ned those friends. We need those brothers and sisters in Christ to remind us of who we are in the body of Christ.

Alright - but here's a part you need to underline when it comes to debriefing… do it once or twice only. And then draw a line under it. Do it to help you gain perspective. Do it to borrow somebody else's peace so you can make the choice to love your enemies. Because if you keep coming back to it over and over again - studies show that repeated reassurance seeking, mental checking - re-reading messages, replaying conversations, even when detailing them to others, constantly asking for certainty or reassurance - it subconsciously is teaching the brain to keep those resentment and rumination loops alive. So debrief if you need to, but draw a line under it and stop coming back to it once you have a plan because rumination decreases when we intentionally make a choice to stop re-visiting the same emotions and thoughts and ideas.

One more idea here and it takes us right back to where we started -

But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!Matthew 5:44

In other words - when the cycle starts - when the negative thoughts come - when the worry comes -

DEVOTE

Yourself to prayer for your enemy. Now careful - we don't need to be praying imprecatory prayers. Jesus said in Luke 6:28

Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.Luke 6:28

When we pray for our enemies, we are not praying "Dear Lord, I pray that you would bless my enemies… with explosive diarrhea." Not the right kind of prayer we are called to pray for our enemies. Besides, you don't need prayer for that outcome, just get your enemy a gift card to Taco Bell. Let 'em try that new Cyclosporito Supreme they've got over there.

You laugh - you may not have prayed the Revenge of Taco Bell prayer on your enemy, but I bet a good number of us have prayed for an outcome for our enemy that wasn't very loving. Maybe not out loud… but you prayed in that angry, old school, ticked off at the world Psalms sort of way. I don't think that's the kind of prayer that Jesus wants us to pray for our enemies. Instead, maybe the prayer - it has that

DETACH

Detachment to it. We take ourselves out of it again. So it's not "Dear Lord, help them see what they did to me." "Dear Lord, make them make it up to me." - maybe a loving prayer is "Dear Lord… I pray that they would genuinely become the person you created them to be." Who knows? If Jesus answers that one - you might end up with one less enemy. Maybe prayer changes your enemies. But either way… prayer changes YOU. Maybe that's the prayer that we pray this week. Not "How can I change my enemies, God?" But rather - "God, how are you changing me?" Cause that's where true agape love begins. Not with their transformation. With ours.

Cause love heals. Bitterness shrinks our world. Love expands it. Resentment steals our joy. Love gets it back. Hatred has our lives revolving around our enemies and those who hurt us. Love puts Jesus back at the center.

Loving our enemies helps us regain some of our humanity. If our enemies have dehumanized or slandered you or distorted your name, loving your enemies is a way of reminding yourself and showing others who you really are. Loving your enemies and praying for them leads to greater feelings of well-being and frees you from the weight of carrying ill-will and resentment and hatred and whatever other negative feelings about your enemy that you're carrying around with you.

Right now, I want us to try something different this morning. Just close your eyes for a minute. If you've got an enemy, they're probably already coming to mind this morning. Maybe it's someone who hurt you years ago. Maybe it's someone you work with now. Maybe it's a family member. Maybe it's someone who betrayed your trust. Take a deep breath and hear those words that Jesus said again - "love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you."

Not because they deserve it. Not because they're safe. Some people never will be. Not because they're guaranteed to change. Some never will. But pray for them and choose to act in love toward them because YOU belong to Jesus and together we refuse to let hatred have the final word.

Thank you for letting me share with you today. Until next time, go in peace… and love your enemies… it'll confuse them, heal you and make Jesus smile. God bless you, have a great week!