Mad Love

Just to kind of quickly recap some important points from last week. We looked at the root of the Agape love that Jesus asks us to have for our enemies. And we learned that love is not a feeling. You can be angry and still love. You can be hurt and still love. You can be sad and still love. Love is a choice

LOVE IS A CHOICE

And love is an action.

LOVE IS AN ACTION

So ultimately, when we love our enemies we are choosing to act in our enemies' best interests

LOVE IS A CHOICE TO ACT IN SOMEONE'S BEST INTERESTS

Whether they deserve it or not.

Now, love is also not becoming a doormat. Love does not mean opening yourself up to further hurt or pain. We talked about how it is possible to and sometimes necessary to

LOVE FROM A DISTANCE

Boundaries are important and necessary. It is entirely valid to block, ignore, or physically distance yourself from people who hurt you. In fact, that's the first practical tip to loving your enemies we're going to talk about today.

SETTING BOUNDARIES IS AN ACT OF LOVE

Its is entirely valid to distance yourself from, physically speaking or even technologically speaking, to block or ignore individuals who have shown a clear disregard for your well being - emotionally, physical, psychological, spiritual, you name it.

Here's why setting boundaries is actually an act of love. Think about this for a second - when an "enemy" and we defined this obviously as someone who is a violent adversary, but also anyone who wishes you ill will in the modern everyday-life version - when that person shows up and you don't have clear boundaries - and they're just doing what they do - causing chaos in your day. What is your response? Okay - the first thing that happens usually before anything HAPPENS happens, is adrenaline hits. You see the person - and boom you immediately have a fight or flight response. Whatever you were thinking of, whatever you were doing, planning, working on - it's gone. Out the window. Replaced with lizard brain response. And no matter how calm or chill you were - what happens? Emotions jump in and take over. Fear takes over. PTSD does what it does. All the memories of past pain and hurt flood back in, your cortisol level spikes - and they haven't even done anything yet. They're just THERE. In close proximity to you.

And it doesn't even have to be physical proximity. We all know the physiological response to seeing someone's name on the Caller ID on your phone or when an email from jerk@jerkcloud.com shows up in your inbox.

You break out in a sweat. Your heart starts racing. You're already thinking about the extra therapy bills you're gonna be paying because of this interaction…

And then tell me if this is your experience - when you go into fight or flight - lizard brain takes over - fear and maybe anger and hurt are driving the ship - are you more likely to respond in a civil and polite manner? In a non-emotionally driven way? Or are you more likely to respond to them with anger or try to hurt them back? At the very least responding with some snarkitude?

Right. I think most of us - it's pretty likely that they're not going to get our best in those situations.

The apostle Paul outlined the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians chapter 5 -

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.Galatians 5:22-25

Alright. If that's the case - and that's what the Holy Spirit produces - then why do we respond in anger and say bad things back and respond tit for tat and sometimes think really horrible things about people?

Because when somebody who has hurt us - when somebody who wishes us ill will is able to access us or get close to us - when there are no boundaries in place, then we are not able to act in love a lot of the time. Because we are not ACTING we are RE-ACTING.

And

REACTING CAN KEEP US FROM ACTING IN LOVE

When you're reacting, you are less likely to produce the fruits of the Spirit. You are more likely to produce the month old rotting vegetables of the flesh that are sitting in the back of your refrigerator stinking up the joint.

Because you're REACTING based on feelings. Even biology and brain chemistry to a degree. And when we do that, that's often when we say or do things that we're not proud of. Things that we would like to have back. Things that don't represent the love of Christ and the agape love we're supposed to have for our enemies.

There's a very famous piece of scripture in 1 Corinthians 13. It's a treatise on love from the apostle Paul. You hear it at a lot of weddings. He says

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Now patience is a fruit of the Spirit. We already saw where Paul said that in Galatians 5. Now can I ask you a question - If you're irritable, does that indicate that you are at peace or not at peace? Not at peace, I think. And one of the fruits of the Spirit is peace. If you're acting rude, do you think you're exhibiting kindness or goodness or self-control? Nah. Probably not.

Now again, I will bet you dollars to donuts, 9 times out of 10, that when "enemies" show up in your life, you are not going to FEEL patient or kind. You are not going to FEEL at peace.

But Love is not a feeling. Love is an ACTION.

And if we're going to respond in LOVE. If we're going to respond with the fruits of the Spirit - if we're going to exhibit self-control and peace and kindness and patience and goodness… then we need to be able to

SEPARATE FEELINGS FROM ACTIONS

Loving our enemies involves a shift from how we feel to how we behave. Patience isn't something we magically feel. It's something we choose to practice. If we focus on emotional affection toward somebody who has really hurt us - we may never get there from a human point of view, not with our earthly, sinful tendencies. But if we focus on acts of service - acts that seek the best for people whether we like them or not - instead of our feelings - we are still able to love people and respond in a Christ-like manner. Love is the choice to seek someone else's good even when our emotions haven't caught up yet.

And boundaries help us do that. Now you have to establish those. Whatever is necessary to protect yourself so you CAN act in a Christ-like manner instead of re-acting in a way that doesn't do you OR your enemies any good.

You may have to see yourself out of relationships or situations. You may have to block people on social media. That's okay. You may have to say 'We're not going to talk about certain things.' 'I'm not going to be joining you at certain events.' 'I'm not going to respond to your requests for communication.' And this can be hard - because some of us growing up, especially in certain circles of Christianity and certain styles of churches - we've been taught that love equals access. Love equals access to us. Invitations to everything we do. Love never has its phone turned off and is always reachable. Love puts up with bad behavior. Love is about the other person's well being and not your own.

I think we're confusing love with trust sometimes. I think we confuse love with a lack of boundaries sometimes. And that just sets us up for situations where we are going to get hurt and where we are likely to hurt others.

Clear boundaries - gives you time and space… to breathe… to choose whether or not to respond and if you ARE going to respond, it can allow us to respond not by RE-ACTING but by acting or speaking in love. When we respond from emotion and fear, we're more likely to respond in a hurtful way. With proper boundaries, and you're going to have to hold them, you can respond in a civil way. In a polite way. In a loving way. You can pray and decide what the best course of action is before taking it. Course of ACTION. Not a feeling. When I choose goodwill toward a person - that is deliberate. It is a deliberate choice.

Now holding boundaries against a habitual line-stepper - it is not always easy and it does not come automatically. Because people who do not have boundaries do not like it when you establish them. They may respond in anger. They may actually ramp up the bad behavior or the mean things they say. They will almost certainly ramp up manipulation to get you to drop your boundaries so they can continue doing what they are doing that is causing you distress. The only way you're able to hold these boundaries is by doing a couple of things.

The first is

PRAY

And this is something that Jesus demonstrated in His own life. It's also advice that the apostle Paul gives in Romans 12 -

Bless those who persecute you. Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them.Romans 12:14

We need to pray for wisdom - we need to pray that we would respond in a Christ-like manner. We need to pray because there's gonna be some places that you won't be able to establish a PHYSICAL boundary - a boundary of distance at. If you've got a co-worker that is just a nightmare and you work in the same office - you're going to run into them. You're going to see them often. So you're gonna have to pray that God gives you the patience and the words and the resolve and the self-control. But you can still hold boundaries with someone even if you are not able to keep them at a distance. And I'm gonna tell you something else that prayer helps us do in just a bit.

But first - here's the second thing we need to do

PRACTICE

We need to practice. Okay. If you're not used to holding boundaries, you aren't gonna be good at it. You're gonna over-explain. You're gonna say too much. You're going to give your enemies a foothold and a back-door back to access to you. You're not going to deliver the FIRM - not mean, not not cruel, just FIRM message that you want to deliver.

So you need to know what you're going to say to establish a boundary and you're gonna hold to it.

"I will not discuss this topic with you. You're not interested in listening and I'm not interested in debating for sport. Let's talk about something else."

"I'm not comfortable with the way you treat me and my friends. So I choose not to be around you."

"I don't wish you ill will, but I don't wish to talk to you."

"I need some time and space for my mental health. This has everything to do with me, not with you, but I'm not going to be responding as rapidly or as frequently as I used to."

Okay - you're going to have to craft one based on your specific situation. And keep it short and sweet. And then practice saying it over and over again so you can say it when you need to to hold that boundary in the moment. You don't explain further - you don't apologize for holding the boundary. You just keep repeating the boundary. And you hold it.

And you practice saying it until you can say it without even thinking about it. Anybody watch On Patrol Live? On Peacock? It's like the modern day Cops. It's my guilty pleasure. Okay - sometimes the officers come across someone who has been professionally coached on what to say. They have a script and they are sticking with it. And that's all they're saying. "Am I being detained or am I free to go? Am I being detained or am I free to go?" "Respectfully officer, I choose to remain silent and I would like to speak to a lawyer." "Respectfully officer, I do not submit to any search of my vehicle or person."

These are not things you say in the heat of the moment. These are not things you know to say or are prepared to say calmly and repeatedly unless you are familiar with a script beforehand and you have practiced for this scenario.

You gotta be like that with people who encroach on your boundaries and hold onto them and enforce them. When someone keeps trying to knock those boundaries down, you

PERSEVERE

And just keep holding them and if you need to establish stronger boundaries you can. Sometimes the faithfulness of the fruits of the spirit and the love that never gives up but endures every circumstances perseveres because you are able to persevere at

PROTECTING PEACE

by holding those boundaries. Boundaries are not the opposite of love. Sometimes they're how love survives.

Alright - I said that we'd talk about one more thing that prayer helps us do to love our enemies - and that is this - prayer can help us

EMPATHIZE

With our enemies.

Prayer can help us

RESPECT

Our enemies.

Again - these are actions. Choices, not feelings. Being able to respect or empathize with our enemies - it's not usually something that we're able to do on our own. It's not something that we naturally arrive at. It's something that we can SUPERNATURALLY arrive at though with the help of the Holy Spirit.

And sometimes the way we do that is by asking God to help us see our enemies the way HE sees them.

And you may say to yourself, you know - that's cool - lemme ask God to help me see them the way God sees them, well God sees everything, doesn't he see them acting like a major league jerk? An olympic level pain in the neck? Don't you think he thinks what they're doing is wrong and deplorable?

I thought about this - and you know, I don't imagine most of us are gonna have a sit down next to Jesus on this side of heaven where we get to share our feelings about our enemies - but honestly, if we could - I think you're probably right. I don't think Jesus would be dismissive of our feelings. I don't think that he would diminish the pain we've been caused.

I think we'd say, "Look at this guy, Jesus! You see what he's doing?! He's being a terrible human being right now." And I think Jesus would say, "Oh no doubt." "No, seriously, Jesus - this guy is up to no good, on the jackal scale of 1 to 10, he's a 12! He's a hypocritical, self-righteous, pearl-clutching, rule-collecting, joy stealing, finger pointing, nit-picking, bridge burning, mercy-skipping, no good lying, four-flushing, dirt-eating, brainless, heartless, worm-headed sack of skoubalon!" And I truly believe Jesus would say "You're absolutely right. That's the way he's acting right now. And he's not right. And he's the poster child for petulant behavior right now… but he's still mine. And I still love him. I created him… and He still belongs to me. He's still a valuable part of my collection. I died for him just like I died for you."

God can see that people act really messed up and still want to love them. But for the grace of God there go I? Some of us have been down that road… it's just been a while and we forgot what it was like to be on the other side. Seeing people the way God sees them is not erasing their bad behavior - it's recognizing that they still belong to God and that He still cares about them and that He still wants to redeem them.

Look - Empathizing - being able to empathize with our enemies - it's not about them being right or pretending they didn't do what they did. It's not treating them like a Care Bear if they're acting like Chucky the killer doll.

And empathizing has nothing to do with being right. We can completely be in the right and they can completely be in the wrong. But what empathy means is we try to remove ourself from the situation. We try to remove our FEELINGS from the situation. We remove the PERSONAL perspective - and think about their perspective. We try to think about their background. Maybe how they got to this point. Maybe why they might be making the poor decisions that they're making. Maybe why their lizard brain acts the way that it does. Taking into account family background and personal history and their traumas and their hang-ups. It doesn't make them right. But what it can do is move US from frustration toward compassion.

Empathy is an attempt to understand. Empathy is not about being 'right.' Okay - here's the weird thing about most of our enemies and most of the time people do stuff to hurt us. A lot of times our enemies have convinced themselves that they are right too. They have justified their behavior to themselves and to others. They have painted an unfair or negative picture of you to others. And by the way - trying to get your enemy to see that you are right is probably just an exercise in frustration. No amount of explaining your side, proving your side, diagramming things out or drawing them a picture is going to make them think they are wrong and you are right until they are ready to see it themselves and arrive at that conclusion on their own. And, and I'm just putting this out there, it's possible that both of you were a little right and it's possible that both of you were a little wrong.

Empathy tries - from a REMOVED and as neutral as you can get perspective - to try and understand their perspective - even if its wrong, not so you can agree with them, but so that you can move toward compassion and love and away from enmity and a need for revenge - a need to get even.

The apostle Paul writes in Romans 12:17-18

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.Romans 12:17-18

Here's why this is so important to be reminded of. There is something called "Assimilation." And it's not assimilation in the way that you may be thinking of - the traditional use of the word - it's more like Assimilation from the movie "The Thing." It's a bad thing. Assimilation in the realm of talking about our struggles with our enemies is a psychological phenomenon that is observed in combat - all forms - from verbal and domestic disputes to full scale combat and way - where fighting an enemy causes YOU to internalize THEIR destructive traits.

That's why we need to hear "never pay back evil with more evil." Cause that's our NATURAL tendency. But loving our enemies - is the antidote. And setting healthy boundaries and praying for our enemies and empathizing with our enemies can act like a spiritual stop sign, truthfully a psychological pattern interrupter to stop us from assimilating the behavior of our enemies.

Marcus Aurelius said "the best revenge against an enemy is not to be like them."

When it comes to empathy, theologian Oliver Chase Quick has this to say - "If we could imagine the love of one who loves purely for their own sake and not because of any need or desire of His own, purely desires their good, and yet loves them wholly, not for what at this moment they are, but for what He knows He can make of them because He made them, then we should have in our minds some true image of the love of the Father and Creator of mankind."

That's how God loves everyone. We're human - we're never going to 100% be able to love like that on this side of heaven - but we can try. We can try and empathize. We can try and see people how God sees them. And we can choose to love our enemies in the most Christ-like, Holy Spirit centered way that we can.

Thank you for letting me share with you today. Until next time, may your boundaries be healthy, your compassion be deep and your prayers and love include even your enemies. God bless you, have a great week!