My Relationship Is a Hot Mess

Welcome to the next installment of our Hot Mess series. So far we've covered work, family, and schedules - and now we're moving into my relationship is a hot mess. My wife asked me to clarify that these messages aren't autobiographical, and I don't want to lie, so I'll say it this way: my relationship isn't a hot mess in every category, and it may not be one currently - but it has been at times, and it could be again if we aren't careful about our attitudes, actions, and choices.

I'm not assuming your relationship is a hot mess. But I'd gamble that all of us can have better relationships, no matter how good or how messy they are right now. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. So over the next several weeks, we'll examine some of the wisdom in Scripture in the hope of building relationships that more accurately reflect the love of Christ. I'll often default to married examples - it's the relationship I live every day - but most of this applies at any stage, whether you've been married thirty years or you just changed your status to "in a relationship" yesterday. And single folks, I hope it prepares you for the future, or gives you something worth passing along to others.

When love is new

Let's start in the Song of Solomon - the book of the Bible that, if it were a paperback, might have Fabio on the cover. It's a poem of young lovers, and one line captures the feeling of fresh love perfectly:

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. - Song of Solomon 4:7

When love is new and the adrenaline is flowing, you genuinely can't see flaws in your partner - or if you do, you think they're cute. But there comes a day when the little things that were once endearing become a little less so. You wake up next to someone with bed-head and morning breath, and "there is no flaw in you" turns into "roll over and let's find a mint." Anyone who's been in a relationship long enough knows the truth.

Here's what I really want to know, though: how do you become that couple who've been together forty or fifty years, who know every one of each other's flaws and can still turn to one another and say, "You are altogether beautiful"? I think the secret is learning to navigate the common hot messes - and one of the most common is this: when expectation doesn't meet reality.

Expectation versus reality

Maybe you thought the honeymoon phase would never end, but it did, and now you're bitter. Maybe you thought your spouse would change after marriage and they didn't - or that they'd never change and they did. Maybe you expected more money, a nicer house, more time together. When expectation doesn't meet reality, we can respond with resentment, bitterness, passive-aggression, and worst of all, by withholding affection. Emotional absence freezes a relationship - and ironically, that crushing of our partner becomes its own hot mess.

When expectation and reality don't match, most of us first try to change the reality. In a relationship, that takes cooperation and communication. Some people never adequately communicate their needs and then feel frustrated they aren't being met. Others skip communication entirely and resort to manipulating, coercing, or cajoling to get what they want. Those roads rarely lead anywhere good. So before any of that, the first thing we should do is re-examine our expectations. Are they realistic? Are they fair to ask of our partner?

A case study: Proverbs 31

Here's a section a lot of churchgoing guys have heard used as a description of the "ideal wife" - and that women often love or hate depending on how it's used:

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. - Proverbs 31:10-12

So far, so good - trustworthiness, mutual benefit. But then it keeps going: she makes the family's clothing, brings food from afar like a merchant ship, rises before dawn to feed the household and plan the work, buys a field and plants a vineyard from her own earnings, works late into the night, helps the poor, dresses beautifully, and runs side businesses - all while raising children. As the passage builds, you start to wonder if anyone in that household ever sleeps.

Ladies, be honest: have any of you ever done all of that at the same time? Of course not - and that's the point. The problem comes when a man reads this and thinks, "That's what my wife should be." If that's a husband's expectation, the odds of it being met - and of him feeling fulfilled - are basically zero. And here's a fair question for the women: if you somehow did check every one of those boxes, do you think you'd actually feel joyful and fulfilled?

So let's talk about what Proverbs 31 is and isn't. First, it's addressed to a man, describing things to look for in a partner - it isn't a portrait of one literal, living woman. Second, it's an acrostic poem, with each verse beginning with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet - so the form itself requires a line for every letter. Third, culturally, it functions not as a checklist for women to live up to, but as a song honoring everything women contribute and are capable of. There's a long tradition of Jewish men singing this passage - Eshet Chayil, "a woman of valor" - to the women of their household on Friday nights before the Sabbath, as a song of praise.

It's worth remembering the context: this was written when women were often viewed as property and second-class citizens. And yet the closing line is surprisingly progressive for its day:

Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. - Proverbs 31:31

In a culture that expected women to silently complete their tasks, this says: give the women their due, and shout it from the gates.

"You're no great catch either"

Guys, if you treat Proverbs 31 as a checklist, remember there are seasons in a relationship - times we're capable of more and times we're capable of less. It's not realistic to expect your partner to check every box at once. Honor her for the boxes she does check, and don't hold the others over her. Demanding perfection only produces disappointment.

And lest the women think I'm only coming at this from the male side, let me submit one more verse:

Do to others as you would like them to do to you. - Luke 6:31

Does that apply to spouses? When's the last time you made your own bed - let alone your own bedsheets? I've seen well-known Christian authors try to write a "Proverbs 31 for husbands," and they always seem to let the men off easy: "he doesn't micromanage his wife, he supports his wife." That's hardly the same as rising before dawn, running businesses, and doing real estate deals. If we aren't willing to live up to a comparable standard, it's unfair to require it of our partner. Guys are often not self-aware enough to realize it - we tend to think we're a lot better than we really are.

There's an even deeper question, though: why do you want what you want? Are your expectations mutually beneficial components of a healthy relationship, or are some of them just self-serving?

Love... does not demand its own way. - 1 Corinthians 13:5

Relationships involve give and take, compromise, even the occasional trade ("I'll watch your show if you watch mine"). But when it comes to the big, way-of-life expectations, we have to ask honestly: are these selfishly motivated? If so, we may need to lower them, change them, or drop them entirely for the health of the relationship.

What your expectations reveal about what you value

Sometimes re-examining our expectations reveals whether we even want a relationship. If someone says all they want is a partner to cook, clean, and look good when they get home, they don't really want a spouse - they want an appliance. The same goes for someone who only wants to be pampered and waited on. Those expectations are self-serving, and they expect way too little of the real value of a relationship.

Where's the expectation for a deep connection no one else shares? For a partner who has your back and wants the best for you? For someone to listen to every idea and dream you have - from the grandiose to the outright dumb - and love you anyway?

He who finds a wife finds a treasure, and receives favor from the Lord. - Proverbs 18:22

It's written to a man, but flip it around: she who finds a husband finds what is good. Our expectations speak to what we truly value. Do we value fleeting things - riches, comfort, status, appearance - over the treasure of another human being's love and support, built on trust and goodwill? If so, maybe the issue isn't lowering our expectations at all, but elevating our priorities about what a relationship really is.

The one your soul loves

We started in the "no flaw in you" phase, and we've spent a lot of time on flaws and unmet expectations. But part of becoming that decades-long couple is being realistic and managing expectations - and there's one more secret, from another line in the Song of Solomon:

I have found the one whom my soul loves. - Song of Solomon 3:4

When you find the partner your soul loves - someone whose heart and values and very essence you resonate with - you have a far better chance of managing the gap between expectation and reality.

I'll admit my brain works in strange ways: years ago I heard a pop-punk love song and thought, "That's a modern Proverbs 31 - a realistic, achievable one, tailored to one couple." The girlfriend in that song gets plenty of praise for her devotion. But I always felt it was missing the most important attribute of all, the one Proverbs 31 ends on:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. - Proverbs 31:30

A partner who fears the Lord. The truth is, if we don't want our relationships to be hot messes, they need to be built on the foundation of Jesus' love - the same foundation our whole lives need.

The foundation under it all

Jesus said his purpose was to give us a rich and satisfying life, and I believe that abundance extends to our relationships and every other part of life. Beyond abundant life, Jesus came to bring us eternal life. As God's own Son, he took the sins of the world - past, present, and future - upon himself and paid the price for all of them on the cross. Three days later he rose from the grave, showing his power over death and offering eternal life in the place he's preparing for everyone who believes.

If you've never put your faith in Jesus and you'd like to do that today, you can pray a prayer like this one:

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I'm a sinner. I know I've done wrong things. Please forgive me of my sins. Right now I ask you to be the Lord of my life. Help me to turn from my sins and follow you. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, for rising again on the third day and taking those sins away, for saving me, and for preparing a place for me. In Jesus' name, amen.

If you prayed that prayer, welcome to the family - I'd love to encourage you and help you find your next steps. Come see me after a service, or email me at josh@seacoastredondo.com.

Come back next week as we talk more about relationships and how to love like Jesus in them. Until then, may we put our loved ones' interests before our own, stop struggling for control and give that control to God, and may God mend our relationships in the places we've fallen short.