My Faith Is a Hot Mess (Part 2)

We're in the middle of our Hot Mess series, looking at the areas of life that can quickly become a hot mess - whether by our own behavior, by situations of someone else's making, or some combination of both. Last week our topic was my family is a hot mess, and this week it's part two.

Last week I shared a list of things not to do when dealing with the hot messes in our families - the idea being, don't make a bad situation worse by our own reactions. But those suggestions, christlike as they are, don't actually make the hot mess disappear. So this week I want to talk about what happens when an opportunity for redemption presents itself - and what we can do to foster reconciliation and lay the groundwork for it to succeed.

For our jumping-off point, let's look at one of the most dramatic stories of forgiveness, reconciliation, and redemption in all of Scripture - a family with a major hot mess in its past. It's the climax of the story of Joseph, which begins in Genesis 37.

A hot mess from the start

The ingredients were all there. Jacob loved Joseph more than his other sons and even had a beautiful robe made for him, which made the brothers bitterly jealous. Joseph didn't help: he tattled on them, and then he told them about two dreams in which they all bowed down to him - with no tact or discretion whatsoever. The brothers saw it as their spoiled little brother confirming their father's favoritism and bragging that he was better than them. As Scripture says, they hated him all the more.

It escalated fast. When the brothers saw Joseph coming one day, they plotted to kill him. Reuben talked them down to throwing him in a dry cistern instead, secretly planning to rescue him. Then Judah, seeing a caravan of traders pass by, said there was no profit in murder - so they sold their own flesh and blood into slavery for twenty pieces of silver. Joseph was carried off to Egypt, separated from the father who loved him, unjustly imprisoned, and forgotten. He endured at least thirteen years of hardship because of his brothers before his God-given gift of interpreting dreams finally landed him as second-in-command over all of Egypt - in position to save countless people from famine.

When the people who hurt you come back

Years later, that same famine drove Joseph's brothers down to Egypt to buy grain - and they bowed before the very brother they had betrayed, not recognizing him.

Since Joseph was governor of all Egypt and in charge of selling grain to all the people, it was to him that his brothers came. When they arrived, they bowed before him with their faces to the ground. - Genesis 42:6

So what does Joseph do? Revenge would seem almost justifiable, and certainly understandable. Most of us, in our own version of this moment, won't be second-in-command of Egypt, and our family will probably recognize us. But many of us will one day be approached - during a time of need - by the very people who hurt us. And we'll be torn: Do I help the people who burned me, knowing I might get burned again?

It's a real internal war between Jesus' ideal of love and our own desire for safety. Honestly, I don't think you can love the way Jesus loves without opening yourself up to the possibility of pain. But there are wise ways to love that also protect against harm. Paul's famous treatise on love helps here:

Love... keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. - 1 Corinthians 13:5-6

"Keeps no record of wrongs" doesn't mean Joseph has to forget being thrown in a well and sold into slavery. Paired with Christ's forgiveness, it means love gives up the right to enact revenge. But notice the same passage says love does not rejoice in injustice. The NIV even translates verse 7 as love always protects. Love protects those we care about and looks out for their best interest - and it's healthy to extend that protection to yourself, too, since you are a creation of God worthy of love and respect. So when a hot mess who hurt you walks back into your life, it's okay if your first instinct is to protect.

That's exactly what Joseph does. He doesn't throw his arms open and announce himself. He pretends to be a stranger, speaks gruffly, and begins a careful process of inspection - asking questions he already knows the answers to, just to see how his brothers respond. Is there still deception? He demands they bring back their youngest brother, Benjamin, to prove their story. There's a lingering trust issue in Joseph's mind - and rightfully so.

Keep your emotions in check

Watch something else Joseph does. When he overhears his brothers admitting their guilt over what they did to him long ago, he's overcome - but he turns away, weeps privately, composes himself, and comes back. Later, seeing Benjamin, he's so moved he has to excuse himself to a private room to break down before returning with his face washed and his composure restored.

For Joseph, those tears were a tangle of emotions - love and nostalgia for his brothers alongside the memory of their deep betrayal, grief and joy walking a tightrope. Maybe the emotions you'd have to keep in check are similar. Or maybe yours is a seething anger or an old pain that wants to bubble up and say something harmful rather than helpful. If we want a real chance at reconciliation and healing, we have to keep those emotions in check.

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. - Proverbs 12:18

Don't sin by letting anger control you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. - Ephesians 4:26-27

One way to keep anger from leading us into sin is to do what David models:

Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. - Psalm 4:4

We need to take time to reflect - on our actions, on why we feel the way we feel, on what went wrong, and most of all on our Lord's teaching, so that we can better reflect Jesus in our choices. Joseph had a lot of time to reflect during his years in prison and in power, and I don't think he could have said and done what he does later without it.

Inspect until you see repentance

Joseph isn't finished inspecting. He plants his silver cup in Benjamin's sack, then has the brothers caught with it - a final test. And here he finally sees the truth. The brothers who once schemed to get rid of their father's favorite son now plead to take Benjamin's punishment themselves. Judah offers to become a slave in the boy's place rather than break their father's heart:

So please, my lord, let me stay here as a slave instead of the boy, and let the boy return with his brothers. - Genesis 44:33

That's when Joseph sees that his brothers have genuinely changed. They may not be able to undo the past, but they're making right choices now. And this time, when Joseph weeps, he doesn't hold it back - because it's the weeping of release, of realizing reconciliation is truly possible.

Be direct - then extend the olive branch

When Joseph finally reveals himself, he doesn't pretend the past didn't happen:

I am Joseph your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt. - Genesis 45:4

That's straight to the point. When we face possible reconciliation with the hot messes who've hurt us, we don't have to pretend we weren't hurt or hand-wave the very real pain away. Jesus says:

If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. - Luke 17:3

It's okay to name the mess and address it. But where there's evidence of repentance - as Joseph could plainly see - we forgive and look for ways to reconnect. And it's tempting, when we're the one who was hurt, to sit back and make the other party do all the work. Joseph does the opposite. Right after being direct, he starts extending olive branches:

Don't be upset, and don't be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives... God has sent me ahead of you to keep you and your families alive. - Genesis 45:5-7

That kind of statement can only come from someone who has reflected deeply on God's work in their life. Joseph is in a unique position of power, with resources to lavish kindness on his brothers. We may not have his resources, but we need the same kindness and compassion in our hearts if we truly want these hot messes to become victories in Jesus - because kindness and compassion go hand in hand with forgiveness.

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:32

The forgiveness that makes it all possible

"God through Christ has forgiven you" - that's the good news. To redeem the hot mess of our sin, which separated us from a holy God, our heavenly Father sent his Son to pay the price for us on the cross. Jesus took all the sins of the world - past, present, and future - upon himself and paid for every one of them. Three days later he rose from the grave, conquering sin and death, and now he offers eternal life in the place he's preparing for us, as well as abundant life here - life with true meaning and purpose, no matter what hot messes we encounter.

If you've never made Jesus the Lord of your life and you'd like to do that today, you can pray a prayer like this one:

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I'm a sinner. I know I've done wrong things. Please forgive me of my sins. Right now I ask you to be the Lord of my life. Help me to turn from my sins and follow you. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, for rising again on the third day and taking those sins away, for saving me, and for preparing a place for me. In Jesus' name, amen.

If you prayed that prayer, know that God is already at work in whatever hot messes you're facing, redeeming them and causing all things to work together for the good of those who love him. I'd love to pray with you and help you find your next steps - come see me after a service, or email me at josh@seacoastredondo.com.

Until next time, may God grant you opportunities for redemption and reconciliation - and may you forgive as the Lord forgave you.