Fifty Things - Week 49: The Elsa Maneuver

This week, we are on part II of our discussion about Jesus' command to

#40 - FORGIVE

And some of you know firsthand, that the command to forgive can be one of the hardest commands to follow.

Now this is gonna make a lot more sense if you saw the first message, but here's a couple of ideas to keep in mind as we continue talking about forgiveness today.

First,

FORGIVENESS IS NOT PRETENDING NOTHING HAPPENED

Forgiveness is not ignoring a problem, a hurt, a wound, an attitude, an action. That is why a person needs forgiveness in the first place.

Second

FORGIVENESS IS NOT NECESSARILY RECONCILIATION

If we want to stay in relationship, then believe me

RELATIONSHIP IS FORGIVENESS

But sometimes the other party does not want to admit to what they've done, does not want to apologize or attempt to make things right, or their mere presence may be damaging to your physical, psychological, emotional or spiritual health. In which case,

FORGIVENESS STILL ALLOWS US TO SET HEALTHY AND SAFE BOUNDARIES

Because

FORGIVENESS HAPPENS IN OUR HEARTS AND SOULS

Alright - so a lot of information on what forgiveness isn't. We needed to clear up confusion because we established what forgiveness actually is. That's what I left you with last week - What is forgiveness? And I said that the answer was actually in one of the passages of scripture that we explored last week. Anyone got the answer for me? What is forgiveness? What passage we're talking about?

After telling Peter that he needed to forgive 70x7, he shared the parable of the unforgiving servant -

Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn't pay, so his master ordered that he be sold - along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned- to pay the debt. But the man fell down before his master and begged him, 'Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.' Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. 'Be patient with me, and I will pay it,' he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn't wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. "When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgive and said, 'You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn't you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?' Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. That's what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.Matthew 18:23-35

I think we can break the idea of what forgiveness actually is down to two words

FORGIVENESS = CANCELLED DEBT

Forgiveness is to not demand payment for a debt. Now Jesus uses an example where it is a literal financial debt that is forgiven in His parable. The servant owed millions of dollars, the king literally forgives - erases, cancels his debt. It is no longer owed. The King is holding nothing over that person anymore. A debt is not required to be paid.

Now, reconciliation - which, again, we'll talk about in a future week in more detail, reconciliation demands a settlement. Right? Anybody reconcile their checking account recently? There needs to be the correct number of ins and outs, deposits and payments to reconcile that account.

We use other terminology - we "settle up" at the end of a poker game or a group dinner when the bill arrives. Reconciliation requires a payment. Forgiveness does not. Forgiveness cancels the need for that payment or settlement, because forgiveness erases the debt.

Now, in a financial situation, someone owes you money, someone did some property damage or something, if you want to forgive that debt - it's easy at least from a logistical standpoint. You just stop requiring payment. Done deal. Debt cancelled. Debt forgiven.

But what about when people have hurt you in other ways? I mean, there's some really serious stuff out there, and I want to address this first - there is personal forgiveness - and I truly believe that Jesus advocates each of us to forgive NO MATTER WHAT, personally. You can cancel a person's individual debt to you, but that does not mean that their debt to society is cancelled That does not mean that proper justice is not carried out. You are not gonna decline to prosecute Jack the Ripper because he said he was sorry. You need to protect people, including yourself. If someone abused you, if someone is dangerous, if somebody stole your life savings, that person should pay for their crimes if for no other reason than to stop aa pattern of injustice. But you are not the judicial system. You, probably, are not the law enforcement agency charged with bringing this person to justice for their crimes. You are not the penal authority who determine how those crimes are paid for.

So what debt can you cancel for the individual? In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the unforgiving servant holds lack of payment over his fellow servant and isn't willing to let go of it. What are we not willing to let go of to forgive those who have hurt us?

I mean, each case is different and varied and nuanced. There's no way to deal with the literal hundreds of thousands of unique scenarios where someone has been hurt and forgiveness is required. But I can tell you some common things that we may need to cancel. Some things we don't need to hold over people's heads. Some things we need to let go of

First, forgiveness doesn't demand personal punishment of retribution. You can give those up. You know those situations where you're like, I won't be happy until I make them pay for this - regardless of what the system does - regardless of the effects their own behaviors have heaped upon them. Some of us hold onto what we think is a right to retribution. Forgiveness would have us give up that right.

If we're wishing for revenge or negative karma to hit somebody. True forgiveness would have us give up our desire for somebody else's pain or suffering.

Think about it - all of those things - that's compensation from the one who has harmed us - in one form or another. If forgiveness is cancelling debts, then we need to stop requiring that kind of compensation from those who have hurt us - even in our minds.

Let's go back to the Lord's prayer for a second. We're taught to pray

forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.Matthew 6:12 (NKJV)

Debts. We might not be owed money by the people who hurt us, but a lot of times we still think they owe us something. Personal justice. Justice on our terms. Maybe they owe us honor or dignity that they robbed from us, and you can't give it back to us, so we think we're owed the next best thing - the stripping of dignity or honor from those who have harmed us. Some of us just think we are OWED an apology.

And I won't disagree with you. There are things in my life that I believe I'm owed an apology for. But in the words of a group of prophetic divas from 1992, I'm "never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it… I'll never get."

BUT I got a choice. I can keep holding on to the NEED for these things. The idea that I DESERVE these things. Heck, I could make my whole life FOCUSED on the quest for these things… or I could apply the ELSA principle and "Let It Go."

Fascinating thing here - the Greek word that gets translated into forgiveness in these passages of scripture that we've been looking at - it is literally translated as "to let go." "To release."

See, forgiveness says "yes there was a debt, but I'm letting it go. I'm releasing you from your debt to me. And sometimes that includes whatever imagined forms of payment that we think we require from someone. We may never say those things out loud. But we think them in our heads."

Forgiveness lets those things go. Retribution, vengeance, even imagined consequences or the need fro schadenfreude - forgiveness let's those things go. And I'll tell you why. First, the principle of the thing and Christ's example - we've been using this verse a lot lately, but it bears repeating -

Never pay back evil with more evil.Romans 12:17

Here's another reason why we need to forgive - why we need to let go of what we think is owed to us by the people that hurt us - because the longer we go without getting it, guess what builds up? Resentment. Dissatisfaction. And you keep those kinds of feelings going for long enough, and you keep dwelling on what people did to you to hurt you - because, let's face it, that's what we're doing. Every time we think about that person who owes us something, we're thinking about WHY they do, and we're flashing right back to the scene of the crime. You know what starts to happen? Bitterness takes root. And that's really something that you've gotta watch out for - In Hebrews, there's instructions for believers to

Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.Hebrews 12:16

If you're bitter, it's YOU that's being poisoned. If you're carrying around that root of bitterness and it is growing because of un-forgiveness, it is not the person who hurt you who is suffering. It's the old thing of drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to get sick - it is YOU who is drinking the poison. Un-forgiveness leads to bitterness and that leads to all kinds of problems- not just spiritually speaking, not just, "hey, I'm probably carrying around a very un-Christlike spirit and probably sinning on the regular, at least in my thought life" but it's literally robbing you of your abundant life and the joy of the Lord and living in general.

And you think about this - okay - some people… they're never gonna apologize. You're never gonna get to witness the justice or the karma or the comeuppance you think they deserve. They're never gonna say they were wrong. You want to spend the next 40 years of your life acting like an emotional debt collector? That's soul0sucking and unrewarding. Some people do it. They may not be as blatant as calling you up and going, "Hello, this is your monthly reminder that you ruined Thanksgiving for the family way back in 1998. I'm still waiting for your apology and for you to take back what you said about my yam casserole." That might be a bit on the nose, but do you really want to act like a collections agent for emotional debt? Un-forgiveness and the root of bitterness hurts YOU.

Let me share this example with you - because it's pertinent I think. We'll see if you relate to it. It's been a while since I've talked about professional wrestling in here. If you're here long enough, you are bound to hear me talk about professional wrestling, pinball, or horror movies. This week it's wrestling.

On occasion, when there is a major feud, and it has continued - and it is now literally a BLOOD feud and they need a blow-off match, they need to SETTLE things once and for all - sometimes there will be a weapons match, or a hardcore match, or an exploding-barbed-wire-steel-cage death match… and they're usually not for the faint of heart. But one of the things you will see sometimes, is one of the wrestlers will take a length of barbed wire, wrap it around their arm and wrist, and then start hitting and whipping and choking and punching out the other guy with the barbed wire. And of course, that can do some damage to your opponent. But you know who else is taking damage? YOU! With every shot! With every time you lash out at your opponent, that barbed wire is digging into you and ripping off your skin and punching deeper holes in you. I've even seen some extreme cases where a wrestler wraps his body in barbed wire and then maybe hurls his body off the top rope at an opponent waiting below or on a barbed wire table… - yeah… again - wrapping yourself in barbed wire and going after your opponent may hurt them - but there's no way you're not taking massive damage yourself. I've seen wrestlers get tangled up with each other in the barbed wire, each move is literally ripping flesh or hair off of both of them, they can't move because every single breath even, the slightest turn or even wince of pain is hurting both of them - and they need to be cut out by wire cutters.

And to me, I think that's a good analogy for un-forgiveness. We're holding on to this barbed wire of bitterness or expectation of compensation and all it's doing is hurting you and ripping you up. And every time you pull it back, you're opening up old words again. And anybody close enough to get tangled up in your barbed-wire web gets hurt too. And you know how you stop it? By letting go. Let go of the barbed wire. Let go of whatever emotional or physical or psychological debts you think you're gonna collect.

You want to know why forgiveness is so important? Because it doesn't let terrible people off the hook. It doesn't let justice off the hook. It doesn't let history off the hook. But forgiving those who have harmed us… it lets us off the hook.

You want to hear the benefits of forgiveness? Scientific studies including one done by the Mayo Clinic show that forgiveness when practiced regularly, reduces stress, anxiety, anger and even cuts down on PTSD symptoms. Forgiveness lowers cortisol levels, helps you sleep better, decreases worry and sadness, improves your own self-esteem, and releasing resentment has been shown to improve your immune system function, lower your resting heart rate, lower your blood pressure, give you a better sense of self-worth and it can even correlate with lower levels of physical pain and bodily aches.

You know, there's an archetype in fiction - the one who let's the need for revenge become their whole reason for living. It's the only way they can manufacture dopamine anymore is by relishing in the pain of their enemies. There's other archetypes too - the bitter character who just spends there rest of their life making the most acerbic comments and raining on everybody else's parade because they won't let go of the bitterness. The character who is not changed by their trauma for the better, but rather, lets their trauma define them and become their permanent identity because they can't let go of what happened to them. These archetypes exist for a reason, because they have the potential to exist in all of us. And here is why they are tragic figures - because the keys to their emotional freedom and their growth and their happiness and their future… they've been handed over to someone who they can't forgive and who may never settle the debt the way they want. And in some cases that person who hurt you so long ago - they stay in charge because you can't let go.

But Jesus says "forgive them." Because Jesus doesn't want them owning your heart forever. He wants you to experience abundant life. And that requires us to forgive… to cancel debts… and to let it go.

Forgiveness stops you from being trapped and allows you to move forward. It stops you from being stuck in the past and allows you to focus on your future instead.

You know, at this point, I'm just so used to the list of positives, the things that help us, the blessings that come, the positive health and psychological benefits that coincide with following the Fifty Things that Jesus asked us to do that it doesn't even surprise me when I hear lists like this anymore. Jesus doesn't tell us to forgive just because He cares about the other person. Jesus tells us to forgive because He cares about YOU. Because it benefits you. Because it helps you heal and thrive in so many ways.

But nobody said that forgiving was easy. Sometimes it is. Most of the time it isn't. The deeper the wound, the harder it is to forgive. But here's some tips that might make forgiving easier.

The first step is to

EXPRESS THE PAIN

Specifically name what was done to you. Forgiveness isn't pretending you weren't hurt. It's not pushing down your true feelings deeper and deeper until they show up as cancer years down the road. Part of letting go is being honest with how you're feeling and expressing it. Literally say out loud - "I feel sad because." "I feel betrayed because." "I am angry because." Own what happened and own how it makes you feel. Feeling angry is not a sin. Jesus Himself expressed anger on multiple occasions. Paul acknowledges that anger is natural in Ephesians 4:26 when he writes, " Forgiveness erases debts, not feelings. Forgiveness cancels debts, not emotions. You know what erases strong feelings and emotions? Time. Time and the decision to

LET IT GO

You say - "that's it. Yes, what happened happened and it mattered. And it hurt. But I refuse to let it own me or define me. I refuse to spend the rest of my life emotionally trying to collect on a debt that's probably never going to be paid. Sometimes the choice to let it go is saying, "I can't change what you did to me, but I'm not going to let you take any more of my life from me." And in letting go we are following what we read from the Apostle Paul in verses like Ephesians 4:31

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.Ephesians 4:31

and we're also following this principle from Romans 12:19

Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God.Romans 12:19

Let it go. Release the resentment. Make a choice to let go recognizing that holding onto anger and hate is harmful to YOU.

The next step is to

SEE THEIR HUMANITY

Try to understand the offender. Note once again, understanding isn't excusing. But when we understand the brokenness behind the behavior, it stops us from doing what is so easy to do - demonizing another individual and reducing them in our mind to a caricature, a one-dimensional comic-book villain, a tool of satan or whatever or however you want to describe it. You know, I'm sure I mentioned this, but I watch a decent amount of True Crime documentaries and YouTube video essays and that sort of thing - and one of the most amazing thing that I see on regular occasion - is when the families of murder victims or something just incredible heinous says and means it or tells the murderer or criminal, and you can tell that they mean it - through gritted teeth and tears - sometimes angry tears streaming down their face - they say "I forgive you." And the only way you get to that point of saying AND MEANING "I see who you are. I see the brokenness. Nobody would've done what you did without being broken. But I also know that you are God's creation. And you are more than the worst thing you've ever done. Just as I am more than the worst thing I've ever done.." The only way I think you can get there is by praying for those who persecute us like Jesus tells us to do in Matthew 5:44

But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!Matthew 5:44

When Jesus was on the cross and He looked down on those who were crucifying Him, He said

Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing.Luke 23:34

At the end of the day, Jesus saw their humanity. Even the humanity of those who sentenced Him to die. And He was able to forgive. We will never be able t see exactly like Jesus, God's own Son, but humanizing the individual that we need to forgive, actually helps us - it helps reduce the emotional power of the hurt.

The next step after seeing their humanity, is

ADJUST THEIR ACCESS TO YOU

This is where setting boundaries comes in. In Romans 12:18, the apostle Paul says

Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.Romans 12:18

- well sometimes, doing all that we can to live in peace means setting healthy boundaries so we remain at peace. Limiting access of those who hurt us so we can remain at peace and so our nervous systems can remain at peace. Whether you go back into that relationship - that's a decision you'll have to make. But you can adjust their access to you by saying - I will pray for good things for you. I will bless you. I want good things for you. But those good things are gonna have to happen somewhere over there. They can't happen HERE because my heart can't take it. The truth is, forgiveness is not likely to occur if your emotional or physical safety is still being threatened.

So once again -

EXPRESS THE PAIN - acknowledge what they did and what you feel.

LET IT GO - choose to release what you've been carrying

SEE THEIR HUMANITY - remember that they are human

And finally

ADJUST THE ACCESS - decide what the relationship or lack thereof looks like now

Has a nice little acronym that goes with it there - ELSA

"Let it go!, Let it go! Can't hold it back anymore!"

Yeah, you like that? Well, maybe I'll do that "Scriptural lessons I learned from Disney movies" series I've been kicking around. Lemme' tell you, "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" - that movie will PREACH.

Anyways - If you ask for guidance from the Holy Spirit and you utilize the ELSA principle - not only will you be on the path to forgiving, but I'm pretty sure you'll be on the path to finding meaning in the experience of what you've been through and maybe finally accepting emotional; and spiritual and physical release.

Now I can here you saying, "You know, Josh, you make it sound easy… just apply this little principle and "bing, bang, it's done." And I hope that's not how this comes across. I think these are helpful tools. But I realize that forgiveness is not forgetting. I can confidently tell you that the pain will reduce over time, but as Metallica sang - "The Memory Remains."

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that forgiveness, even utilizing the ELSA principle, is a process. It's an ongoing process of releasing anger, releasing those feelings and the need for revenge or compensation… and it's gonna require sustained effort. The safer you feel, the more time that passes, the easier forgiveness will become. Buddy shared the story of Joseph forgiving his brothers who had tried to kill him by throwing him in a well and then decided against it and sold him into slavery - and they show up to Egypt starving and looking to buy grain, and they don't recognize Joseph who is now 2nd in command of all of Egypt. Joseph makes, what I imagine, was a hard decision to forgive his brothers - but it had been 22 years since Joseph had seen his brothers. That's a lot of time. And I imagine a lot of years that Joseph spent praying to God to help him with the feelings he might've had against his brothers. And Joseph was 2nd in command of all of Egypt. Do you think he felt safe? Yeah. I would think so. But go back and read that story - does he mess with his brothers and give them a heart attack? Put the fear of God into them by planting a silver goblet amongst his brothers' items and blaming it on the youngest, Benjamin, to see what they would do? Genesis 44

Yeah. I like the lyrics that Joseph sings in the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical, "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamboat." - "I shall now take them all for a ride… after all they have tried fratricide." Joseph forgave his brothers, but you can't convince me that he wasn't still working through some stuff.

Look, trying to forgive and having those emotions rear up again, or a reminder of the pain every so often - it doesn't mean that you're failing. It means that you're human and you went through something real. There will be a day - when you realize that the person who hurt you or lived in your head rent free, who kept you awake at nights worrying - when that person is just a distant memory. When that name doesn't make all the hairs on the back of your neck stand up anymore. It's just a name. When that person doesn't have anymore power over your heart or mind or life anymore. When you have forgiven them and let go.

But forgiveness is a process. And it requires practice. And right now if it's too fresh, you don't feel safe enough yet, you're still even trying to piece together what you feel and understand what they did - then practice on other people in your everyday life. Forgive the bad driver who cut you off in traffic. Forgive the rude cashier. Forgive the guy who always leaves the seat up. Forgive the girl who always interrupts you. Forgiveness is a practice. And the more you use it, the stronger YOU get.

Jesus' command to forgive is actually one of the most freeing commands that Jesus gave us. That's what He wants for all of us. Freedom from resentment and sin, freedom from the burdens we weigh ourselves down with, freedom from the lies that we believe that cause us to live lives without meaning. The most amazing part of the parable of the unforgiving servant is that king that takes pity and shows mercy on the servant and forgives millions of dollars worth of debt. That king represents our Heavenly Father who loved us so much that He sent His only son to pay the price for our sins, to build a bridge back to a relationship with our Heavenly Father, to go and prepare a place for us in Heaven and to grant us abundant life and His Holy Spirit within us when we follow Him. When we follow Jesus, we will be free indeed.

Thank you for letting me share with you today. Until next time, go in peace, holding tightly to our Savior, wisely to our boundaries and loosely to our grudges. God bless you, have a great week!