My Relationship Is a Hot Mess (Part 2)

We're in the middle of Hot Mess, and this is part two of my relationship is a hot mess. Whether your relationship is great, a hot mess, or somewhere in between, I believe Scripture gives us tips to make it better and to reflect the love of Jesus more accurately.

Last week we said one of the biggest causes of friction is when expectation doesn't meet reality - the relationship we imagined doesn't match the one we're living. It matters to be realistic and to make sure our partner's vision lines up with ours. But more than anything, a relationship has to be built on love.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged... Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

It's hard to be patient with someone, or to keep no record of being wronged, unless you love them. When we start from a place of love, forgiveness and mercy become far more attainable. But if you treat marriage as a mere transaction - a set of agreements that your partner will behave the way you expect - then you're treating your spouse like a vendor. And what do we do when a vendor disappoints us? We go find another provider. That's not a relationship, and it isn't what love is.

Love is a choice and an action

If we want our relationships transformed, we need to pray they'd be filled with love - and then act on it.

Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. - 1 John 3:18

We often talk about love like it's something that happens to us: we "fell" in love, "fell" into bad habits, "fell" out of love - as if we tripped and stumbled through the whole thing with no agency at all. Maybe your first meeting was serendipity. But from that point on, love was a choice and an action, wasn't it? In the new-love stage, we woo our partners, pursue them, show them affection. Those are all actions. A lot of times our relationships become a hot mess because we've forgotten that love requires intention.

And here's a confession. When expectation doesn't meet reality, one of the ways we try to change reality is by trying to fix our partner. As a pastor, I went looking through Scripture for verses on how to get my partner to meet my needs - and I couldn't find them. What I found instead were verses about changing me:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. - Philippians 2:3-4

So maybe the secret to repairing our hot-mess relationships isn't praying that God would change our partner, but praying that he would help me be more the way he wants me to be. Here are a few loving actions Scripture points us toward. They aren't cure-alls - I'm a big advocate of counseling and professional help - but if both partners practiced them, we'd probably save a lot on our therapy bills.

Loving action #1: Really communicate

If we're not communicating, that's a relationship killer. Connection happens through dialogue - and communication isn't just sharing our own perspective; it's listening with an open mind and heart. That's harder than it sounds, especially for couples who've been together a long time and are convinced they already know exactly what their partner is about to say.

To answer before listening - that is folly and shame. - Proverbs 18:13

My wife and I both have adult ADHD, which means our brains are constantly racing ahead, anticipating where a conversation is going and generating a dozen possible conclusions before the other person finishes a sentence. It's exhausting - and when we interrupt with assumptions about what we think our partner is saying, it doesn't come across as loving. Your situation may be different, but the principle is the same: love really listens. It sets aside our assumptions and stays present in the moment. Like the investment disclaimer says, past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results - just because we know what our partner said last time doesn't mean it's what they're about to say now.

And when you're listening in love and you hear something you don't like or agree with, how you respond matters:

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. - Proverbs 15:1

It's not just what we communicate; it's how. Choose your words, your tone, and your attitude carefully - especially with the people you love most.

Loving action #2: Be kind

Here's a strange thing that happens, especially in long relationships. Early on, we're sweet and thoughtful - if our partner calls for help, we drop everything. A decade later, the same call might get, "I'm cleaning the soap dish right now, can it wait?" Somewhere along the way, we lost some of our kindness. There's an ancient proverb for it: familiarity breeds contempt. The longer we're with someone, the more aware we become of their every flaw, and that repeated exposure can make us scornful toward the very person we once thought had no flaw in them.

There's another reason, too. When we're dating, the other person is the focus. Once life fills up with bills, chores, kids, and work stress, our attention is divided - and the more I have going on, the more curt and short I get. So the antidote is to be extra intentional about kindness.

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:32

I failed at this spectacularly the very week I was writing notes about kindness. My wife was having a stressful day, so I decided to head home early to surprise her, make dinner, and take things off her plate. Good intentions - but dinner ran late, the kid wouldn't cooperate, the puppy had the zoomies, and a June bug flew in through the screen door, which sent my wife (who will happily hold tarantulas and snakes, but cannot abide flying beetles) running for the bathroom. The June bug was doing flybys like Maverick buzzing the tower in Top Gun, the dog was barking, the faucet was running over a pile of half-done dishes - and for a second I just dissociated, staring into space with Gary Jules's cover of "Mad World" playing in my head. Then I snapped out of it. But by the time I'd caught the bug twice, all my patience was gone, and I made it worse: as a joke, I threw a small piece of dog-meat at her, pretending it was the bug. It wasn't funny. Her eyes filled with tears, and there would be no husband-of-the-year award that night.

What got me back on track was a verse I'd pulled for that very message:

Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. - Colossians 3:13

Fixing the hot messes we make - whether one bad night or years of familiarity-bred contempt - requires forgiveness, both giving it and asking for it. My first apology ("I didn't know it would bug you so much") proved that careless words stir up anger. So I went back to another verse:

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. - Ephesians 4:2

Humble, gentle, patient - and seeking to understand.

Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. - 1 Peter 3:7

How can you treat someone with understanding if you don't understand where they're coming from? So I tried again - rubbing her shoulders, owning every part of how the night went sideways, and then actually asking her to help me understand why June bugs terrify a woman who once stayed calm while we were stalked by a mountain lion on a dark trail in Malibu. Her answer: it's the way they fly. With a bee, you can guess where it's headed; June bugs just hover unpredictably and might come straight at you. In other words, she doesn't like them because they don't file a flight plan first. I gave her a hug and told her she's a case - but she's my case, and I'm a case too. We both apologized, and we reconnected before bed.

When we fall short, the answer is more love

Love is patient and kind - but sometimes Josh isn't. There are far too many times I'm not the spouse I should be. And when that happens, the solution isn't one-sided; it takes both of us. Ironically, when we feel ourselves falling out of love, falling away from each other, or falling into bad habits and routines, the answer is more love. Captain & Tennille were right: love will keep us together. (Sometimes it's Iron Maiden, sometimes it's Captain & Tennille - gotta keep you on your toes.) But somebody wrote the same advice thousands of years earlier - the Apostle Paul:

Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. - Colossians 3:14

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. - 1 Peter 4:8

We are going to mess up and fall short. But if we can love each other anyway - through communication, kindness, forgiveness, and understanding - love covers a multitude of sins. So hold on tight to the love you have for one another, and grow it.

A greater love

Even the best human love falls far short of the love of God shown in his Son.

For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16

The love of the Father and the Son were on display when Jesus became fully God and fully man, took the sins of the world upon himself - past, present, and future - and paid the price for all of them on the cross as the perfect, sinless sacrifice. And the good news is that he didn't stay dead. Three days later he rose again, showing his power over death, and now he offers eternal life in the place he's preparing for us, and abundant life full of meaning and purpose here.

If you've never accepted those gifts and you'd like to make Jesus the Lord of your life today, you can pray a prayer like this one:

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I'm a sinner. I know I've done wrong things. Please forgive me of my sins. Right now I ask you to be the Lord of my life. Help me to turn from my sins and follow you. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, for rising again on the third day and taking those sins away, for saving me, and for preparing a place for me. In Jesus' name, amen.

If you prayed that prayer, I believe you'll begin to experience the love of Jesus more clearly every day. I'd love to pray with you and help you find your next steps - come see me after a service, or email me at josh@seacoastredondo.com.

We've got at least one more week on relationships. Until next time, when we encounter shortcomings and strife, may we seek to love our partners the way Jesus first loved us.